Dear 100footer:
I’m a gay, stand-up comedian, and I often host my comedian friends at my home when they are in town for shows. Recently, one of my Black friends visited. In our conversation, we discussed a renowned Black comedian and I recounted a joke from him that had resonated with me: the joke revolved around a TV censor allowing the comedian to use the N-word but opposing his use of a homophobic term.
When the comedian questioned why, the censor's response was, "Because you're not gay." The comedian retorted, "Well, I'm not a N-word, either."
I narrated this joke with the complete N-word as the comedian had used, for the sake of maintaining the original context. My Black friend said he was really uncomfortable hearing me use the word and called me racist. I was shocked at his reaction, as I believe there's a clear distinction between narrating a joke with anti-racist undertones and being actually racist. Am I required to offer an apology in this scenario?
-- Wondering
Dear Wondering:
There are different ways, or 'ethical frameworks', to look at your problem. The big ones are consequentialism, deontology, virtue ethics, and care ethics. Sounds fancy, huh? Don't worry, I'll break it down!
Consequentialism is like watching a domino effect. It's all about what happens after we do something. For you, after you told that joke, your friend felt unsafe and called you a racist. Not so good, huh? So, from this point of view, telling the joke was a bad move.
Next up, deontology. It's like the rule book of life. It's about what's right or wrong no matter what happens afterward. Here, using the N-word could be seen as wrong, even if it's part of a joke. The word has a hurtful history and is often seen as a no-go area.
Virtue ethics is all about being the best person we can be. Think of your favorite superhero - they're usually brave, kind, and stand up for what's right.
They have virtues. In your case, if we were being the best we can be, we'd think about how our actions might hurt others. Even if you didn't mean to upset your friend, the virtuous thing would be to say sorry and try to be more careful in the future.
Finally, care ethics is like giving your friend a band-aid when they fall. It's about caring for others, being kind, and understanding. This means thinking about your friend's feelings and showing that you understand why he's upset.
So, if we put all these ideas in a blender and hit 'mix', what do we get? Well, each viewpoint seems to suggest that an apology is a good idea.
Telling the joke made your friend uncomfortable, and even if you didn't mean to, it's important to say sorry when we hurt someone's feelings. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you made a mistake and you're ready to learn from it.