Texting Advice For Wooing the Wafflers
Mastering the Art of Texting 'Mr. Hot-and-Cold'
Picture this: You've met someone who sparked your interest, and initially, it seemed the feeling was mutual. The texts were flying back and forth with the speed and enthusiasm of a ping-pong match. He replied to your messages with lightning speed, his texts loaded with witty jokes and flirty emojis. There was an undeniable vibe, and you thought, "This is it, I've caught a good one!"
But then, as if someone hit the brakes, the energy shifted. What used to be a flurry of rapid-fire texts has now turned into a waiting game, each message met with increasing delay. You suggest a casual coffee, and suddenly he's more elusive than a shadow on a moonless night. Instead of a straightforward yes or no, he dances around the topic, his texts becoming as clear as a foggy morning in San Francisco.
This is the maddening world of texting someone who, at first, seemed into you but now floats in a sea of ambivalence. One day they're all in, the next day they're as distant as a far-off galaxy. You find yourself analyzing every message, trying to decipher the Morse code hidden in his sparse replies.
But fear not! You're about to embark on a strategic, witty, and yes, slightly sneaky journey into the art of texting guys who just aren't that into you...yet. This article will guide you through the murky waters of mixed messages, teaching you how to navigate the tide of texting with the finesse of a seasoned sailor. Ready your thumbs, for you're about to become a master at turning ambivalent replies into eager anticipation.
Last week we went through rules 1-5 in our 11 Rules For Texting The Ambivalent. Let's take a look at rules 6-11.
6. Never Use All Caps.
IT MEANS YOU’RE YELLING. There’s no such thing as a “flirt yell.” It’s oxymoronic. But mostly, moronic.
7. Use Proper Grammar.
Once, a friend showed me a text from a guy he was mildly interested in. The asked my friend to have
"brekfiss"
with him and that was the end of that. My friend figured he was so stupid he’d starve if he ever got locked in a grocery store. He showed me the rest of his texts and I couldn't tell if the guy was just using abbreviations or whether he was an illiterate who kuldnt spill.
If you send his something filled with misspellings, he may think one (or both) of the following: you don't care enough about him to spend 5 seconds giving your text a once-over and/or you don't have the mental capacity to use proper grammar. Either way you’re back to scoring mildly retarded guys.
Proper grammar is a turn-on to the intelligent, but that doesn't mean you have to go all Shakespeare on his ass. If you overdo it on the thesaurus, you cross the line from intelligent to pompous and unapproachable.
One extreme:
“Didh yu half a goood weak?
To the other:
“Pray tell me my little lass, I trust you have had a most favorable week now have we?”
Hit somewhere in the middle ground and you're golden.
8. Don’t Get Friend Zoned.
There's a difference between a possible love interest and a possible friend who just happens to be bored. Make sure it's clear to his you are the former, not the latter.
Toss in the occasional compliment about his appearance, even if you only met for 5 minutes that first time when you got his number. Say he mentions something about going to the gym later. Drop something into the text thread like this:
“It must be hard getting a full workout in when guys are always hitting on you.”
Flatter him without creeping him out. Drop subtle comments without seeming pervy—it will let him know you're looking for a romantic connection---not a stand-in friend when you need a date to a wedding.
9. Don’t Over-Emoticon.
So much of courting and flirtation is about setting the proper tone, and there is no form of communication that lends itself to greater miscommunication than texting. One solution to this problem is using Emoticons.
The Big Dog app in the Emoticon universe by far is Emoji. It offers thousands of Emoticons for any number of situations, and is available across all smartphone operating systems. Download it. Know it. Use it.
But don't overuse it.
There is nothing more annoying than the every-text-deserves-an-Emoticon guy. Or the multiple-Emoticons-per-text guy. Take the following examples. Say you've decided to sign off for the night. Do this:
“Glad we got to connect again. ;)”
Not this:
“Glad we got to connect again. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)”
That's like ending your first conversation by blasting “Walking On Sunshine” on a loudspeaker and doing somersaults across the street. The lesson? Don't blow your Emoticon load.
Be aware of the right Emoticons for the situation.
Him:
My dog just died today.
You: I'm so sorry. ;)
Really? You might as well have given him a high-five when he told you Benji bit the bucket. Know your tone.
10. Don’t Send A Second Text If You Haven’t Gotten A Response From The First.
Silence is a response. It means, I’m too busy to respond or I’m not sure I want to respond or I’m thinking about how to respond. Don't ever be tempted to write something like:
“I’ve had trouble with my signal today and so I just thought I'd send this again since you haven't replied to the first one.”
I’ve had friends show me guys who text three or four times in a row trying to get a response. Trust me, they’re not picturing themselves making out with these guys. They’re picturing the judge signing the restraining order.
The truth is sometimes men have a legitimate reason for waiting a long time to answer—either because of circumstances (stuck in a meeting, a movie, a dinner) or they’re just in a bad mood and they don’t want to take it out on text. Sometimes they purposefully make you wait (because they know it’ll make you wonder and increase your interest).
But the sad reality, and the one you have to assume because it’s the likeliest scenario, is that he’s not responding quickly because he’s just not that into you.
Don’t rush his response. There
is a remote chance that he didn’t get your text or accidentally deleted it. Did I mention “remote?” Because I meant REMOTE. If you’re convinced that he didn’t get it (we’re all convinced. No, really.), then wait a few days before sending another.
And do NOT reference the text he didn’t respond to. Texting something like,
“Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while”
isn’t going to cut it. First, you’ve just laid a guilt trip on him. Great. You’ve given him yet another reason not to text back. Try sending him an “Unclogger” text that can snap his attention right back to you.
You:
We have something in common.
Who doesn’t want to know the answer to this?
The challenge is in finding out what you have in common from earlier conversations. Share the same politics? Say this:
“We both can’t wait for Sara Palin’s book to come out in English.”
Here’s another inventive way to get him to cough up a text:
You:
I met a friend of yours.
This is almost impossible for him not to respond to but you better come up with the goods, because if he thinks you’re lying you might as well kiss your ass goodbye with a hand rolled cigar.
Here’s another example of a text that can unclog a stopped thread:
You:
I had a dream about you.
Again, come up with something good and you better not make it sexual. Here’s another example of unclogging:
You:
I met your twin.
Basically, you just describe somebody that looks like his. When he responds, compliment him.
“You won, though. Your arms are bigger and your mind is sharper.”
And finally, you can always go over the top:
You:
I got kicked out of Barnes and Nobles because I put all the bibles
in the fiction section.
Him:
That’s hysterical!
You:
Where’d you get kicked out of today?
The point isn’t just to say something funny but to engage him with a question that invites participation. Here’s another example:
You:
Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky when I thought, “Where the hell is my roof!?”
Him:
LOL!
You:
Was your night any better?
11. Be Decisive When You’re Asked a Question.
With any luck, your future ex-boyfriend will text some version of this:
“What are you up to?”
This is a major hint that he wants to hang out. Be confident. Don’t be a ninny without an opinion. LEAD. Say something like:
“We’re going to Martinis at Imax and you’re bringing the vermouth!”
If he says he can’t or he’s too busy, here’s what you text:
“Break your plans. I’m more fun.”
It won’t convince him, but he’ll laugh and it’ll increase the chance of saying yes the next time. Men are attracted to Alpha males. That doesn’t mean you have to be 200 lbs. of twisted steel and sex appeal or come off as a jerk that says “My way or the highway.” It means you own your life, set its direction and act decisively.
Now that you know the 11 Golden Rules Of Texting The Ambivalent, let’s move on to some problem areas. The best way to solve texting problems is to avoid them in the first place. Next week we're going to take an all too common problem in texting:
Texts That Get Taken The Wrong Way.
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