When Your Fashion Choices Reveal Your Inner Homophobia

Dear 100footer:

 I came out five and a half years ago, and let me tell you, I've come a long way since then. But here's the deal: I still struggle with feeling comfortable in my own skin, and a big part of that is my style.

Sure, I've ditched those graphic tees that haunted my closet, but I'm far from embodying the stylish gay stereotype. It's time for a change, but here's the catch—most of the references and advice I find are all about that traditional "straight guy" image. Talk about frustrating!

Now, hear me out. I want to stand out, make a statement, but without being flashy. Lucky for me, I live in a city where being out and proud is safe and accepted.

But let's get real for a moment—I don't want to miss out on dates or steamy encounters just because other gay guys fail to notice me. I mean, come on! I've spent way too much time blending in already. It's time to step up my style game.

Sure, some might say that my desire to play with style is a topic for my therapist (and let's be honest, it probably is), but I truly believe it comes from a healthy place. I want to express myself authentically and feel like my wardrobe isn't holding me back, keeping me in that damn metaphorical closet.

So, here's the million-dollar question: Where can I find references and advice on "gay" style that will help me embrace my own unique identity? I want to break free from the chains of outdated norms and discover a style that truly reflects who I am. Any tips or sources to help me on this fabulous journey would be greatly appreciated!

--Wanna look gay but not too gay

Dear Wanna:

Wow, your letter is filled to the brim with baggage (as in, internalized homophobia)! You come to me saying you want to embody more of a stereotype, but then claim it's coming from a "healthy place." Well, I've never been to a "healthy place," but I can confidently say we're not there right now.

Let's cut to the chase. The real issue here isn't your clothes—it's the fact that you don't feel comfortable in your own skin. Don't get me wrong, clothes can definitely help us tell a story. It could be a story like "I'm filthy rich and love tacky outfits" or "my parents can't stand my dangly earring" or, of course, the classic "I am gay." Though the last two might be a bit redundant, but let's not dwell on that.

Just like saying "I am gay" out loud can be scary, expressing it through your clothes can be just as intimidating. So, before we start playing dress-up, let's address the more pressing matter at hand. It seems like either you're not sure what message you want to convey or you're too worried about what others might think.

You mention not wanting to miss out on dates or romantic encounters due to your wardrobe choices, but you also don't want to be too flashy or too "straight." Maybe you didn't mean it this way, but it sounds a lot like you're saying "not too feminine, please," which, let me assure you, is a common concern for many gay men out there.

Finding a trendy Zara shirt with a fun print that won't scare off Brian McMuscles at the bar, while subtly signaling to your heterosexual coworker that you're gay, is totally doable. Trust me on that.

However, what I want you to focus on is not what straight people or other gays expect from you, but rather what you want for yourself. Your letter is filled with worries about fitting into certain archetypes, and while that's not necessarily a bad thing, it's important to remember that your style should reflect your own desires and personality.

That being said, don't put all your mental energy into creating a completely unique wardrobe. You can draw inspiration from mood boards on Pinterest and incorporate elements that resonate with you. We don't have to reinvent the fashion wheel here. And let's be real, there are far more exciting ways to express your queerness than just through your clothes. Rob a bank, write cryptic tweets, revel in ennui—the possibilities are endless!

It seems like you're eager to play with your presentation and explore different avenues. Well, my dear, go for it! Take risks, try new things, and push your own boundaries a little. I don't think what you're asking for is a list of websites; it sounds more like you're seeking permission to embrace your true self and unleash your inner fashion maverick. Consider it granted, my friend.