How Text Response Timing Influences Attraction

Did you hear about the boy who met a guy and responded to every text from him within seconds? He lives alone, in a van down by the river with a bunch of cats.

Now, there's nothing wrong with showing a guy you're interested. But there's a fine line between letting him know you're interested and being so far up his ass that you've taken up residence and built a 3-car garage with a guesthouse.

By the same token, if it takes you days on end to respond you’re communicating something no man wants to hear—that he’s unimportant to you.

Timing is a message.

It communicates as loudly as what you type. Timing is so important you should consider it a part of your communication. For example, if you text him a second after he hits the send button, it doesn’t matter what you type back, here’s what you’re really saying:

You’re besotted with him.

This is a bad message to send if you don’t know him well, especially if he’s not returning the same energy. Too much too soon can kill a budding romance.

You’ve dropped everything you’re doing to answer him back. This is bad because you’re telegraphing weakness and desperation. It means you’re a puppy standing on its hind legs begging for the next treat.

You don’t have an interesting life.

Desirable men are busy men. They respond according to their needs and priorities, not to impulse. Rapid response means you have nothing going on in your life that can’t be put aside for his attentions.

There are only three times when it’s acceptable to text back right away:

1. When the electrical charge between you is so strong you could light up an all-night liquor store.
2. When you’re actually dating (as opposed to trying to get a date).
3. When you’re in the middle of an exciting thread that would lose momentum by creating artificial distance.

Waiting Too Long Is As Bad As Not Waiting At All.

If timing is a form of communication then waiting too long to respond to a text spells out your indifference. It says:

1. I’m not that interested.
2. You’re not that important.
3. You’re not hot enough to interrupt my day.

These are not messages that are going to lead to a date any time soon. In Woody Allen’s “To Rome With Love,” upon hearing Jesse Eisenberg’s boneheaded plan to get the girl, Alec Baldwin said, “Yes, do that. Walk into the propeller.” You want to wait three days to respond to his text? Yes, do that. Walk into the propeller.

Both short and long response times can be romance-killers if they become habits. Some text threads demand near-instant answers. I mean, if you’re in the middle of a fun thread, why wouldn’t you keep the energy going?

But every now and then, wait a minute or two (or five or 125) and let things marinate.

It’s fine to text back immediately or to wait a few hours or a day as long as you mix it up. Unpredictability raises curiosity. Be aware of your timing and use common sense. It’s okay to be glued to the phone waiting for his response, but that doesn't mean he has to know that.

Don’t act like a dog trying to get out of the car but at the same time don’t act like a cat who couldn’t give a shit. Be unpredictable in the length of your texts and your timing and you’ll have him exactly where you want him—wondering what you want, curious about who you are and looking forward to the next text.

The Mother Of All Texting Questions: How Long To Wait Before Sending The First Text.

Meeting a guy at a Starbucks at four in the afternoon is different than meeting him at a club at two in the morning. Meeting a guy who’s hot for you is different than meeting one who’s lukewarm. Shouldn’t there be different rules for different situations?

No. There is one and only rule about the timing of a text. And the rule is in the form of a question:

What Is Most Likely To Increase The Attraction?

Sometimes texting RIGHT AWAY will increase the attraction because the connection is so strong that you don’t dare exercise patience. But sometimes waiting a couple of days increases the attraction because one or both of you just aren’t that into it.

Different Situations Dictate The Timing.

Timing communicates your level of interest. Too soon equals too interested. Too late equals too indifferent. You need a happy medium, a sense of timing that says “I’m interested but not desperate.” Here are a few rules of thumb, depending on your situation:

If He Seemed Ambivalent Or Only Slightly Interested When You Met.

Event: Your reply to his first text.

Timing: Wait 48 hours to send the first text.

Event: It took him 2 hours to respond to your text.

Timing: Wait about an hour and a half to text back

Event: It took him 20 minutes to text back.

Timing: Wait about 10 minutes to respond. Keep mirroring his timing but with a slightly shorter response time until you get in sync. You know you’re getting somewhere if his response time shortens.

If He Seemed Highly Interested When You Met.

Event: He texted you within 12-24 hours of meeting. It’s obvious that there’s a strong connection.

Timing: Wait 12-24 hours to send the first text.

Event: It took him 10 minutes to respond to your reply.

Timing: Wait about 5 minutes to text back.

Bottom Line: Match the energy. Mirror him. Your goal isn’t to play games, play hard to get or make him think something that isn’t true. It’s to address the natural asymmetry inherent in courtship. It’s to get the energy level balanced so that something other than texting can happen.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who’s The Guy About To Fall (For You)?

When couples are romantically interested, they subconsciously imitate each other’s gestures, postures and expressions.

So, for example, if he leans back in a conversation, you will too. And if you put your hand on your chin he will also. Mirroring creates rapport and a feeling of acceptance because couples see themselves reflected in each other. It’s also a way of saying, “I like you, I’m on the same wavelength.”

Let’s say you’re chatting up Shawn Shagability in a coffee house and you turn to face him a bit more directly. If he likes you, he’ll “mirror” you and turn to face you a bit more—all within five to fifty seconds.

In texting, mirroring means you respond to him in more or less the same time frame he responds to you.

So, if you send him a text and it takes him 15 minutes to respond, you should take about 15 minutes to answer him back. If it takes him a day, take a day. In other words: Let. Things. Breathe.

Isn't This All Just Playing Games?

No. It’s effective communication. When was the last time you fell head over heels over a guy who fell head over heels over you? Rarely. One of you is almost always more into it than the other.

Either you like him more than he likes you or he likes you more than you like him. Asymmetrical desire is the rule in dating, not the exception. And because you’re most likely in an asymmetrical situation right now, it behooves you to symmetrize the desire.

Consciously cooling it with a guy who’s hesitant about you isn’t playing games. It’s acknowledging the asymmetry and crafting a communication style that has a chance of balancing the desire so you can go forth (and multiply). The truth is, neither one of you knows the depth of desire you feel for each other, so the prudent thing is to find out in ways that don’t ruin your chances.

I lot of guys think waiting is dishonest. I mean, isn’t it more honest to admit how thrilled you are to get a text from him and respond quickly? Yes, if he feels the same way. But you don’t know if he does. Always assume there is asymmetry. The more asymmetry the longer you should wait. The more symmetry, the less you should wait.

Remember, timing is an important part of your message. Taking your time responding means you’ve got a life that’s worth checking out. It means he’s special when he receives a text from you. After all, busy guys only make time for special guys, right?

You realize of course, that it works the other way around, too. When he doesn’t respond right away, when he seems busy you tend to think that he’s got a lot of good things going on in his life and you wouldn’t mind checking out what they are. I mean, what could be more interesting than you, right? He must have it going on and you want in.

If he doesn’t respond quickly it tends to trigger a perceived loss phenomenon. As in, “He’s lost interest. I’m never going to get a date. I better pick up my game.” Slow response from him activates an alarm response in you. It makes you more interested, and in fact, makes you more interesting because now you have to bring it if you’re going to win it.

Just don't push your luck. If he writes you and you've blocked off sometime after the next equinox to respond, you've gone past playing it cool and turned into an ass.