What Happens When Your Exes Refuse To Hear Your Apologies?

Note: This is part of our Gay Relationship Advice Series

Dear 100footer:

Over the last couple of years, I've tried hard to become a better person. I've been going to a therapist and have also been talking more with people around me, asking how I can improve.

But what about the people I hurt before I began this journey of self-improvement? I was in three unhealthy relationships. Back then, I wasn't getting help or taking medicine and I did things I regret.

These three people don't talk to me now and I've heard they're upset with me. I've tried to say sorry and asked how I could fix the wrongs I did, but they didn't answer. They can ignore me if they want, but it makes me sad. I'm not the same person who hurt them, but they still don't like me. How do I handle this? What can I do about feeling guilty for who I used to be?

--Feel Awful

Dear Fear Awful:

Personal growth is a marathon, not a sprint. The progress you've made is commendable. You're on a challenging road to self-improvement, and you've shown courage by seeking therapy and actively communicating to better yourself. That's the first step, and you've nailed it.

But here's the kicker, you can't change the past. The things you did, the people you hurt... it's done, and it's understandable that this fills you with remorse. You were in three relationships where your untreated and unmedicated self caused harm. Those actions came from a place of personal struggle, and recognizing that is key. However, that person was you, and those actions were yours. You can't escape that.

You tried to reach out to your exes, to apologize, to mend the damage. Good on you. That's an important step. But their lack of response, while understandably disappointing, is their prerogative. You've done your part, you've extended the olive branch, and now it's up to them to decide whether they want to grab it or not.

And this is the part where it might sting a bit: they might never accept your apologies or your attempts to make amends. They may still hate the old version of you, or even the current one, for the pain that was caused. And they have the right to their feelings, just as you have the right to grow and change.

So, how do you navigate this? Well, it's about acceptance and forgiveness. But not from them - from you. You need to forgive yourself. That doesn't mean excusing your past actions, but acknowledging that you were a different person then, in a bad place, making bad decisions. You've taken steps to ensure you're not that person anymore.

You're living with guilt, but guilt can be a constructive emotion if it drives change, and it seems like it is doing just that in your case. However, dwelling too much on it can be destructive. It’s okay to let go of that guilt once it’s served its purpose.

So, here’s your next step. Forgive yourself, take all the lessons you can from this, and keep growing. Continue the therapy, continue the communication. Be the best version of you every day. Let your personal evolution be the apology and the amends. And always remember, it's not about getting others to see the change in you, but about you seeing and feeling that change in yourself.