Is 'Phubbing' Killing Your Relationship?
Hello? Are You Even Listening?
Dealing with a Partner Addicted to Their Phone
Note: this is part of our
gay relationship advice series.
Wow, is your partner glued to their stupid phone when you're trying to talk to them? Rude much? Here are 3 đŸ”¥ questions to ask yourself about this super annoying issue:
1. Does your partner's phone get more action than you do? Ouch!
2. Do they care more about their Twitter feed than hearing about your day? Harsh.
3. Are they more interested in Instagram models than you sitting right in front of them? Yikes!
If you answered "yes" to any of those, your partner is a total phubbing jerkface. “Phubbing” is when your partner ignores you to scroll through their phone, and studies show it makes people feel like crap.
"Phubbing can really impact relationships," said Dr. Chad Smokeshow, a psychologist and author of the book *Stop Phubbing Me You A**hole!* "It leads to hurt feelings, jealousy, and can really damage trust."
Tyler Hunkboat, 37, says his boyfriend Pablo is a serial phubber. "We'll be at dinner, and he'll just start scrolling through Twitter, laughing at memes. Meanwhile I'm sitting there like an idiot trying to tell him about my day. It's so rude and makes me feel totally unheard and unimportant."
So how do you stop your partner from phubbing you? Here's what the experts say:
Set Clear Phone Rules Or Your Partner Will Walk All Over You
You need to lay down the law and set boundaries for phone use, or your partner will just keep on phubbing.
"No phones in the bedroom, no phones at dinner, no phones when we're spending quality time," recommends Dr. Smokeshow. "If you don't set rules, your partner will keep choosing their phone over you."
You can even give consequences, like if they whip out their phone at dinner they have to pay the check or do all the dishes. Set phone-free zones and times, or your relationship is toast.
Speak Up Now Or Forever Hold Your Peace
If the phubbing is hurting your feelings, you've got to say something right away.
"Don't let the resentment build up," warns Smokeshow. "As soon as it starts to bother you, tell your partner so you can deal with it before it becomes a huge issue."
Communication is key (duh). Let your phubbing partner know they're being a hurtful idiot and making you feel like crap. If you stay silent, they'll just keep scrolling while you get more and more upset.
They Better Have A Darn Good Explanation For Picking Up That Phone
Your partner needs to explain themselves when they pick up their phone around you. Are they just "quickly checking" something, or are they blatantly choosing their phone over you?
"Say what you're doing out loud, like 'I'm just responding to this text from work,'" suggests Dr. Smokeshow. "It avoids situations where your partner feels excluded."
Of course, that only goes so far. If your partner spends more time fondling their phone than fondling you, it may be time to give them an ultimatum.
At the end of the day, phubbing comes down to priorities. You need to be number one on your partner's priority list, not their stupid phone. Demand the attention you deserve!
Resources
[How to Stop Phubbing in Relationships - WikiHow]
[Phubbing Hurts Relationships - Psychology Today]
References
Chambers, A. (2017). Phubbing: Communication in the smartphone era. *Family Journal*, 25(2), 184-188.
Wang, X., Xie, X., Wang, Y., Wang, P., & Lei, L. (2017). Partner phubbing and depression among married Chinese adults: The roles of relationship satisfaction and relationship length. *Personality and Individual Differences*, 110, 12–17.
