What Do You Do When Your Husband Gossips About You?

Dear 100footer:

I recently snooped in my husband's phone, because apparently, we're all teenagers now, and discovered dozens of texts to his co-workers and some of our mutual friends — all saying awful things about me and airing petty grievances.

Among the topics of the texts was my unemployment. My husband's texts portray me as a deadbeat loser, and he questions why he's stayed with me, lamenting what a burden it has been for him.

I'll note that our mortgage and our mutual bills have been paid for the last six months from the proceeds of selling our house when we moved, so my unemployment has caused him zero financial burden.

I can't get past the things he said and the betrayal I feel, and I am considering asking for a separation. But I am scared to bring it up because of the invasion of his privacy that led to me discovering the text messages. What is the sassiest path forward? — Name Withheld

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Dear Withheld:

Seems like you two lovebirds have found the perfect recipe for a disaster! A pinch of betrayal, a dash of snooping, and a generous serving of trash-talking. Mmm, delicious!

That your husband assumed his messages were private is established precisely by their brutal content. You made your jaw-dropping discovery in the course of violating his privacy. Yet the fact that you've wronged him doesn't deny you the right to complain about what he's been up to. Your sins are not equal, but they're both fabulous!

What your husband has been saying goes beyond exasperated venting. The specific way he has been bad-mouthing you, in fact, strikes at the core of a marital relationship; he's impugning your character, your worth as a person, and the value of your marriage. Some very toxic air needs to be cleared.

Apologize for your wrongdoing, and ask him whether he wants to remain with the deadbeat he described in those texts. If you don't bring up the idea of a separation, he may well beat you to it, and then you'll both be fabulous losers in the game of love.

Ok, that's our snark answer. Then we thought, "Hey, how would Esther Perel advise you?

How Would Esther Perel Answer This Question?

So we channeled her and this is what we think she would say:

"It's clear that you're feeling hurt and betrayed by your husband's actions, and it's essential to address these feelings in a constructive manner. While it's true that you invaded his privacy, it's also important to explore the reasons behind his behavior and the state of your relationship.

First, let's consider why your husband might have shared these thoughts with his friends and co-workers. It's possible that he is struggling with his own emotions and needs an outlet to vent his frustrations. This doesn't excuse his behavior, but it can help to understand that his actions may not be a direct reflection of his love and commitment to you.

Next, it's crucial to open a conversation with your husband about your feelings and your discovery. While acknowledging your own breach of privacy, express your emotions openly and honestly. This is an opportunity for both of you to share your vulnerabilities and build trust in your relationship.

In this conversation, try to explore the deeper issues that might be causing tension between you. It's essential to understand each other's needs, fears, and desires to navigate through these difficult times.

Ask open-ended questions and listen to your partner's perspective without judgment or accusation.

You may also want to consider seeking couples therapy to help you both navigate this situation. A skilled therapist can facilitate a safe space for you to explore your emotions and work on rebuilding trust and intimacy in your relationship."

How Would Don Rickles Answer This Question?

Esther's fine but it kinda sounds like pablum. So we channeled our inner Don Rickles and this is what he had to say:

Well, well, well, look what we have here - a couple of lovebirds tangled in the messiest of nests. You snooped in your husband's phone, and he's been trash-talking you behind your back. Sounds like you two are a match made in heaven, huh?

Now, I'm no Dr. Phil, but let me tell you something: life's too short to waste on petty drama. So, you found out he's been calling you a loser. Big deal! At least you've got something in common now: you're both sneaky and love to gossip.

But seriously, kid, if you want to salvage this relationship, you've got to talk it out. Sit down with your better half and lay it all out on the table. Sure, you invaded his privacy, but he's been badmouthing you.

You're both guilty, so make a deal: you'll apologize for snooping if he apologizes for the trash talk. Fair's fair, right?

And hey, while you're at it, why not take this opportunity to figure out what's really going on between you two? Maybe he's feeling insecure about something, or maybe you need to work on communication. You won't know until you talk.

If all else fails, you can always try couples therapy. But don't forget to keep a sense of humor about the whole thing, because life's just too short to take it all too seriously.

Good luck, and try not to snoop again, Sherlock.