Calling Out a Friend's Weight Gain - Caring or Cruel?

Dear 100footer:

You know, my ex, who's also been my rock for like, 20 years, has put on a ton of weight recently.

He's probably packing an extra 100 pounds on his little frame. He's panting all the time and his legs are literally bowing under his weight. Simple things, like tidying up around the house, are now massive tasks for him.

I care about him a lot and I've tried to gently bring up his health a few times. But, no dice. He says he can't swing the cost of that new diet drug everyone's jabbing themselves with and seems to have completely given up on trying to lose weight any other way.

The dude's hooked on food like it's a drug. He can't get enough of it, and he shuts me down every time I try to talk to him about it. He's pretty good at dancing around the subject with his doctor too, so nothing's really changing: he's just getting heavier and heavier.

I've thought about looping his kids into the situation. But if that doesn't pan out and they end up telling him I stuck my nose in, our friendship is likely toast. He's straight-up told me, “Don't chat with me about this.” So, what can I do? It feels like I'm just standing by, watching him slowly ruin his health.

--Dunno what to do

Dear Dunno:

Well, well, well, you've got yourself into quite the ethical pickle, haven't you? And what a juicy pickle it is! But fret not. While it might seem like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place (or in this case, a chicken wing and a salad), looking at your problem from different ethical angles can help you find a way forward. That's right - it's time to dive headfirst into the wild world of ethics!

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Ethics, shmethics. I just want to help my friend." And you're right to want that. But hear me out. Each ethical theory gives you a different lens to view your problem through. It's like trying on different pairs of sunglasses to see which one makes the world look the grooviest.

Taking a consequentialist view can help you think about the possible outcomes of your actions. It's like playing a game of chess with the universe - you're always trying to think a few moves ahead.

A deontological perspective, on the other hand, reminds you to consider the rules and principles involved. It's the 'golden rule' approach - do unto others as you'd have them do unto you, or in this case, don't do unto others what they've explicitly asked you not to do.

Finally, looking at things through the lens of virtue ethics can help you think about what kind of person you want to be in all this. It’s like being in a superhero movie, where you have to decide whether you want to be the villain, the sidekick, or the hero.

So let's dive into these theories and see which one fits like your favorite pair of jeans, shall we? But before we do it's worth taking a look at our no-diet weight loss guide for gay men. Perhaps it's time to send him the link.

Consequentialism: What's the Outcome Gonna Be?

Alright, let's kick this off with consequentialism! This smarty-pants ethical theory says that you should pick the action that leads to the best outcome for everyone. In this case, the best outcome would be for your friend to lose weight and live a healthy, happy life. But how do we get there?

Your friend's getting bigger and bigger, and you're worried he's going to end up seriously sick - or worse. But every time you bring up his weight gain, he tells you to zip it. That's a pickle! Under consequentialism, you could argue that anything you do to help your friend lose weight - even if it makes him mad at first - would be good in the end, right?

Well, let's say you go behind his back and talk to his kids. If it works and he does something like intermittent fasting and gets healthier, great! Consequentialism gives you a thumbs up. But what if he finds out and ends your friendship? That's a big ol' thumbs down from consequentialism - your action had bad consequences.

So, consequentialism's advice would be: Try other ways to help your friend without risking your friendship.

Deontology: Rules, Rules, Rules!

Next up, we have deontology, the no-nonsense grandpa of ethical theories. According to deontology, there are some things you just don't do - no matter what the outcome might be. Lying, cheating, and going behind someone's back are big no-nos.

So, what does this mean for your buddy? Even though you're worried about his health, deontology would say it's not okay to go behind his back and talk to his kids about his weight. He told you not to, and you should respect his wishes. No "ends justify the means" nonsense here.

Deontology's advice: Respect your friend's wishes, and don't go behind his back.

Virtue Ethics: Be the Best You Can Be

Finally, we come to virtue ethics. This theory is all about being the best person you can be. It's not about rules or outcomes; it's about character. What kind of friend do you want to be?

A virtuous friend is caring, honest, respectful, and supportive. So, how can you be that for your friend? First, keep caring about him - he's lucky to have you. But also, respect his boundaries. If he says he doesn't want to talk about his weight, don't push it. Maybe try finding fun ways to be active together instead of focusing on the weight thing.

Virtue ethics' advice: Show you care by being a supportive friend, and try to encourage healthier habits without making it all about weight.

So, there you have it! Three ethical theories all agreeing on the same advice.  Enjoy your soup!