How to Respond to a Grindr Message When You're Not Feeling It

Your Grindr notification sings its siren call, and you can't help but crack a devious smile that screams, "Jackpot!"

But alas, the man on the other end of the message doesn't exactly scream, "dream date." His profile picture looks like it could be the poster child for an "unfortunate events" series.

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Do you politely say, "Pass?" After all, you'd probably give him a gentle let-down at a pub if he was attempting to serenade you with his best pick-up lines.

But it's a slippery slope to believe that the same etiquette used to skate out of awkward situations in person should be applied in the cyber realm. It's more complicated. That guy at the pub isn't some nameless entity.

By introducing himself ("Hello, I'm Steve, and your pants would look rather fetching crumpled next to my bedside table"), he may be peculiar, but he's not an unknown entity. You've just been acquainted.

But in the world of online dating, things take a sharp left turn. What might be perceived as rude in person (like ignoring Steve's charming introduction or handshake) is completely justified in the digital sphere.

Here's a real-life scenario from my buddy, Steve, that perfectly illustrates this point. A man decided to test the waters by hitting up Steve on Grindr with a straightforward, "Very Cute." Now, the polite thing for Steve to do would be to respond with a gracious "thanks" and move on.

But as Steve put it, "I didn't want to open the floodgates to a conversation I had zero interest in pursuing. So, I swiftly deleted the message and thought nothing more of it."

But it seems he wasn't let off the hook so easily. He received another message from the admirer: "You must be shy cause I know it's not because I'm UNATTRACTIVE." A tad annoyed, Steve shot back, "No shyness here." This quickly escalated into:

Undesirable suitor: "Then you should learn to say 'Thank You' when someone compliments you."

Steve: "And you need to learn how to accept a polite dismissal."

Undesirable suitor: "I wasn't asking for anything from you to be rejected!!! I simply gave you a COMPLIMENT!! Understand the DIFFERENCE!! Move on!!"

Was Steve in the wrong? He shouldn't have responded to his suitor at all, not even with a courteous thank you. Online, any form of reply merely extends the discomfort of rejection.

No one pays a compliment online without an ulterior motive. Any form of engagement with someone you're not interested in inadvertently sends the signal that there might be interest. If Steve had replied with a simple "thank you," his persistent admirer would've assumed, "Score! We have a connection!" and attempted to further the interaction, an interaction Steve wanted no part of.

Oddly enough, normal acts of kindness — such as responding to someone's advances — can actually be unkind and counterproductive. It's unkind to the admirer because it fills him with false hope and counterproductive for you because it initiates a conversation you neither have the time nor the will for.

Chivalry isn't extinct; it's just reserved for real-life interactions. If someone makes a move on you in a bar, there's no doubt about their physical appearance.

You can hear the inflection in his voice and witness the contours of his physique. He's tangible, regardless of your level of interest. And because of his tangibility, you owe him a degree of decency and respect.

On the flip side, Grindr offers no such guarantees.

The person on the other side could be an overexcited teenager or a bored spouse seeking entertainment. Until there's a face-to-face meeting, every online persona is essentially a phantom. You owe these virtual half-existences nothing more than the gentle courtesy of silence.

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