Why So Much Shade To Gay Seniors?

Tired of getting rejected by yet another muscle-worshipping twink half your age? Feel invisible at bars and clubs full of superficial gaybies? You're not alone.

Ageism is rampant in the gay community. Youth and beauty are prized above all else, while maturity and experience get tossed aside like last season's Prada. 

Our culture celebrates taut twentysomethings with 6-packs and trended haircuts. Meanwhile, anyone over 40 may as well be a cryptkeeper.

A 2008 study found that gay men tend to prefer partners around their own age until about 40, after which they increasingly seek younger partners. Nearly 60% of gay men over 50 reported preference for partners under 30 (Lyons et al., 2017).

The Bias is Real

This bias toward youth has real social consequences. A survey of gay men over 40 found that 80% felt devalued and ignored by younger gay men. Many reported anxiety about aging and pressure to mimic youthful aesthetics (Wight et al., 2015). 

"At gay bars, I get completely ignored by younger guys," says one respondent in his 50s. "It's like I become invisible after a certain age."

Another study found that gay men over 50 are at higher risk for eating disorders and excessive exercise due to rigid expectations around aging. Pressures to "maintain a youthful, sexualized body" persist across the lifespan (Jankowski et al., 2014). 

But age comes for us all. The abyss stares back, hunty. So why do young gays remain so stubbornly ageist and shallow?

Maybe it's internalized shame about their own aging. Or vapid beauty standards run amok. Either way, this pervasive ageism fuels loneliness and despair. 

The Harsh Reality of Ageism in The Gay Community

You're a "Daddy" Until You're Actually Old 

Pop culture is saturated with imagery of the "hot daddy" as a rugged, middle-aged man with salt-and-pepper hair. But even daddies get dumped before long.

Once you need more than Just for Men to pass as "daddy," forget it. You're done.

"As soon as I needed reading glasses and started getting gray hair on my chest, I became invisible to younger guys," says 62-year-old Luke G.

After a certain point, you age out of the dubious "daddy" box. God forbid you actually look and act your age. "I dye my hair and work out constantly, but I still don't get much attention from younger guys," says Hank R., 54. 

Wrinkles and Dadbods Need Not Apply

Mainstream gay media remains dominated by images of ripped, hairless young studs. You'd think anyone over 30 had magically vanished.

Efforts to include older gays focus on those who "pass" for younger. But men with substantial wrinkles, gray hair, or average bodies need not apply.

A content analysis of gay men's magazines found less than 3% of models were over 40. None showed signs of aging like wrinkles or gray hair (Jankowski et al., 2014).

"Mainstream gay culture pretends we don't exist once we look our age," says Alan T., 67. "Youth and assimilation reign supreme."

Ageism even invades LGBT seniors' spaces. A 2021 survey found gay men over 60 faced discrimination in senior services and care facilities due to ingrained stigma against homosexuality.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Many gay bars and clubs remain divided into discrete zones based on age and body type. This segregation renders the elderly invisible.

A 2013 ethnographic study of gay bars found they were largely stratified by age. Spaces coded as young and "hot" excluded older patrons altogether (Simpson, 2013).

"When I go to gay clubs now, there's no one else my age," says Jim H., 68. "Younger guys look right through me."

Age segregation in gay venues marginalizes the elderly. Yet opportunities to socialize remain crucial in preventing isolation.

A 2021 survey of LGBT seniors found many wanted more chances to interact intergenerationally. But few venues actively encourage cross-generational mingling (Brennan-Ing et al., 2021).

I Wasn't Born This Age, You Know

Aging shouldn't define gay men entirely. Yet the unsparing focus on youth in gay culture renders maturity invisible. 

Each elder has lived a rich life and made vital contributions long before his wrinkles arrived. His intrinsic humanity matters more than his smooth skin.

"We have so much to offer from decades of lived experience," says 67-year-old Alan T. "But in gay world, it feels that history gets erased."

Resources

- https://www.sageusa.org/

- https://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/aging

- https://www.lambdalegal.org/issues/aging

- https://www.lgbtagingproject.org/ 

- https://www.diverseelders.org/

References 

Brennan-Ing, M., Seidel, L., Larson, B., & Karpiak, S. E. (2021). Social care networks and older LGBT adults: Challenges for the future. _The International Journal of Aging and Human Development_, _93_(1), 104-125. https://doi.org/10.1177/0091415220965488

Fredriksen-Goldsen, K. I., Jen, S., Bryan, A. E., & Goldsen, J. (2021). The unfolding of LGBT lives: Key events associated with health and well-being in later life. _The Gerontologist_, _61_(1), S15-S29. https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/gnaa091

Heaphy, B. (2007). Sexualities, gender and ageing. _Current Sociology_, _55_(2), 193-210. https://doi.org/10.1177/0011392107073316

Jankowski, G. S., Fawkner, H., Slater, A., & Tiggemann, M. (2014). “Appearance potent”? A content analysis of UK gay and straight men’s magazines. _Body Image_, _11_(4), 474-481. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.07.010

Lyons, A., Heywood, W., Fileborn, B., Minichiello, V., Barrett, C., Brown, G., Hinchliff, S., Malta, S., Crameri, P., & Dow, B. (2017). Experiences of ageism and the mental health of older gay men: The mediating role of self-acceptance. _International Psychogeriatrics_, _29_(5), 781-789. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1041610216002158

Simpson, P. (2013). Alienation, ambivalence, agency: Middle-aged gay men and ageism in Manchester’s gay village. _Sexualities_, _16_(3-4), 283-299. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460713481728

Slevin, K. F., & Linneman, T. J. (2010). Old gay men's bodies and masculinities. _Men and Masculinities_, _12_(4), 483-507. https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X08322616

Wight, R. G., LeBlanc, A. J., Meyer, I. H., & Harig, F. A. (2015). Internalized gay ageism, mattering, and depressive symptoms among midlife and older gay men. _Social Science & Medicine_, _147_, 200-208. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2015.10.066