Better To Be Hated For What You Are Than To Be Loved For What You Are Not

The Man Behind The Quote

André Gide was no ordinary man. He didn't just dabble in writing and happen to bag the Nobel Prize for Literature in 1947, he left an indelible mark on literature and society.

He penned  that quote which became a beacon for those battling for authenticity—especially within the LGBTQ+ community. He wasn't just a gay man; he was a gay man who dared to embrace his truth in an era that condemned him for it.

Born into the conservative fabric of 19th-century France, Gide could have chosen to stay closeted. But he didn't. He lived openly as a gay man—a radical and brave decision that was just as daring as his masterful command of the pen.

His boldness, his refusal to bow to societal expectations and his commitment to living his truth, these were not just elements of his personality. They were, in essence, the lifeblood of his art, the underlying pulse in his literary accomplishments.

His famous quote underlines his steadfast commitment to authenticity. "It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not." This isn't just a catchy phrase, it's a powerful testament to his life and legacy—a clarion call for self-acceptance that resonates strongly with the LGBTQ+ community, even today.

Gide’s gayness wasn’t an afterthought; it was an integral part of who he was, and it greatly influenced his work. His Nobel Prize? That was just the world acknowledging his mastery over words, his contribution to literature.

But for the countless gay individuals who find solace in his words, his real prize was his courage, his honesty, and his unwavering commitment to live authentically. In the grand scheme of things, it's fair to say that André Gide was a gay icon before we even had a term for it.

Provenance of The Quote

Our main man André Gide didn't just wake up one day and tweet out this quote—it was nestled within the pages of his book, "Autumn Leaves". But let's set the record straight, "Autumn Leaves" wasn't your typical bedtime read. It was a collection of essays and reflections, where Gide poured out his thoughts on life, love, and everything in between. It was like having a heart-to-heart chat with Gide, if he was into that sort of thing.

In this mix of philosophical musings, the quote we're dissecting makes its grand entrance. It wasn't part of a story or a fairytale. No, it was a nugget of wisdom, birthed from Gide's reflections on the often Herculean task of being true to oneself.

The Reception and Evolution of the Quote

Now, did people read this and immediately go, "Oh, this is about being gay"? Not necessarily. Sure, those in the know—those familiar with Gide's life and his openly gay status—might have made the connection. But for many, the quote spoke to a broader struggle—the universal challenge of authenticity.

And that's the magic of this quote—it's a chameleon. It molds itself to fit a variety of contexts. From a teenager grappling with peer pressure, to an adult wrestling with societal norms, this quote has something for everyone.

The essence of the quote, this cry for authenticity over approval, resonated far and wide. It wasn't just passed around like a secret in hushed circles. It started appearing in other books, made its way onto motivational posters, and before long, it was a popular culture mainstay.

The reception was generally positive. People connected with the inherent truth of the statement. And although its origins lay in Gide's personal journey as a gay man, its applicability was universal. It became a rallying cry for anyone who had ever felt the pressure to conform, to hide their true selves for the sake of acceptance.

The Not-So-Simple Semantics of Gide’s Quote

So, we've got our quote. We know where it came from, who said it, and how it spread. But now let's get into the nitty-gritty. Let's unmask the deeper meaning of this deceptively simple sentence, "It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not."

Breaking it Down

At first glance, the quote is as clear as a summer's day. Be yourself—even if it earns you some haters, it's better than being loved for a lie. Easy peasy, right? But there's more to it. Trust Gide to turn a simple sentiment into an intricate web of meaning.

Better Hated Than Loved?

The first part, "It's better to be hated for who you are", really grabs you by the collar. Why would it be better to be hated? Hate's a strong word, right? We spend our lives trying to be liked, to fit in, to belong. It goes against our human nature to embrace hate.

But here's the catch. Gide isn't suggesting we seek hate. He's not saying we should be obnoxious, offensive, or hurtful just to rack up a tally of haters. No, he's talking about staying true to ourselves, even if that truth isn't everyone's cup of tea. It's a call to authenticity, even in the face of adversity.

Love for a Lie?

Then we have the second part, "than to be loved for who you are not". Here Gide is delving into the emptiness that comes with inauthenticity. Sure, you might be surrounded by adoring fans, receiving accolades left and right, but if it's all for a façade, a version of you that isn't true, then what's the point? It's like being applauded for a painting you didn't create. The love you receive isn't for you—it's for a phantom, a lie.

Gide’s Gay Lens

Now, let's take a moment to see this quote through Gide's lens—his life as a gay man in an unaccepting society. He didn't just talk the talk, he walked the walk. His quote isn't just a philosophical musing—it's a lived reality. He faced the hate, the rejection, but he never faltered in his authenticity. He chose to be hated for who he was—a gay man—rather than loved for a lie.

How The Quote Affects Us TODAY

Alright, folks, we've dissected Gide's quote, now it's time to look at it through the lens of being gay in TODAY'S society. Spoiler alert: It's not all parades and rainbow flags. Let's start with...

The Subtle Sting of Microaggressions

To kick things off, let's break down microaggressions. These aren't blatant slurs or overt acts of discrimination, but rather, small, often unintentional actions that subtly undermine a person's identity. They're a bit like papercuts - individually, they might seem small, but over time they pile up and the pain is real.

Take Sam. An openly gay man, pretty comfortable with his sexuality. But, everyday life throws him a multitude of microaggressions that act as constant reminders of his 'otherness'.

For instance, at a family reunion, a well-meaning aunt asked him when he's going to settle down with a nice girl, completely disregarding his sexual orientation. A colleague at work casually used the word 'gay' as a synonym for 'stupid' or 'weird'. Then there's his neighbor, who upon learning about Sam's sexuality, asks him which woman in his relationship plays the 'man's role'.

Each of these instances might seem harmless, even innocent, but they're all loaded with harmful assumptions and stereotypes. They imply that being gay is not normal, that it's something to be corrected or ridiculed, or that it's a curiosity to be pried into.

Or take Tony, a flamboyant and openly gay man. His expressiveness often falls prey to typecasting. People assume his taste in fashion means he's an expert in women's clothes or that his theatrical flair automatically qualifies him as a drama teacher. The assumption here is that all gay men have the same interests, falling into the trap of stereotyping.

Then there's Jake, a high school student, who cringes every time he sees a gay character on TV depicted as overly dramatic, promiscuous, or as the comic relief. These portrayals reinforce harmful stereotypes and feed into societal misconceptions about gay men.

So, when we talk about microaggressions, we're talking about Sam's aunt, Tony's friends, Jake's favorite TV show, and a million other small things. They might seem small and insignificant in isolation, but together, they paint a picture of a society that, knowingly or unknowingly, still perpetuates harmful prejudices and biases.

The takeaway here is simple: every comment, every assumption, every stereotype contributes to the struggle of being a gay man in society. It might not be as overt as hate crimes or blatant discrimination, but it's a battle that gay men, like Sam, Tony, and Jake, face every single day.

The Closet That Never Quite Shuts

Now, let's talk closets. Not the ones filled with fabulous outfits, but the metaphorical ones. Coming out of the closet is a milestone in a gay person's life, but it's not a one-and-done deal. It's a continuous process, a series of disclosures in different situations, over and over again.

Every new job, every new relationship, every new neighbor—it's a constant assessment of safety and acceptance. Will they react well? Will it change how they see you? Will it affect your relationship? It's like being a never-ending guest on a reality show—always on, always under scrutiny.

Take John, for example. John works in an office, and he's openly gay, but every new job, every new project means a new set of colleagues. It means figuring out when to mention his boyfriend, how to correct coworkers when they assume he has a girlfriend, and constantly assessing how his openness might affect professional relationships.

John's closet doesn't have a single exit, it's a series of doors he opens and closes each day.

Or consider Luke, a globetrotter with a deep love for exploring new cultures. In each new country, he has to grapple with different societal norms and attitudes towards homosexuality. Is it safe to be open about his sexuality? Can he mention his husband in casual conversations, or does he need to tread lightly? His closet changes with each passport stamp.

And let's not forget about Alex, a university student, who's still in the process of understanding his sexuality. Every new friend, every potential date, is another moment of decision—does he share this part of his identity or keep it under wraps?

The pressure to fit in, to not alienate potential connections, often weighs heavily on his decisions. Alex's closet isn't just about declaring he's gay, it's about figuring out when, where, and with whom he can be his authentic self.

From John's office to Luke's travels, to Alex's college life, it's evident that 'coming out' isn't a one-time proclamation. It's an ongoing process, a series of decisions to be made, a collection of reactions to be managed. Being out of the closet doesn't mean you're free of it. You carry it with you, a constant reminder of the heteronormative world we live in.

In essence, being gay in society isn't just about 'coming out' once; it's about 'coming out' continuously, opening one closet door after another, and navigating the endless labyrinth of societal expectations and prejudices.

We're coming back to our quote, "It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not," we swear.  We're just setting up context to see how we apply the quote to contemporary gay life. we just have one more problem to talk about....

 
Blatant Bullying and Assaults

Take Peter. Walking home late at night, he was followed by a couple of guys who jumped out of their car, taunted him with homophobic slurs, and threw a bottle thrown at him. While he wasn't seriously hurt, the emotional trauma was profound. The memory of that night turned future walks into fear-infused sprints.

Kyle, a high school student, knows all too well about violence toward us gays. He has been bullied, both online and in person, because of his sexuality. He has been called names, humiliated in front of his classmates, and even physically attacked. The bullies made his school life a living nightmare, all because he had the courage to be himself.

Tom, an accomplished professional, once lost a job opportunity because of his sexuality. A colleague leaked his sexual orientation to their notoriously conservative boss, who then concocted an unrelated excuse to let him go. While subtle, the hateful act severely impacted his career and shook his sense of safety in the workplace.

How Gide's Quote Applies To Us Today

When Gide said, "It's better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not," he wasn't just waxing poetic. For many gay men, this quote serves as a mantra, a guiding principle, and a stark reality. Even today. 

Consider Mark, a middle-aged man who spent the first half of his life masquerading as straight. He had a wife, two kids, and a successful career - all the trappings of a typical suburban life. But behind closed doors, Mark was tormented, hiding the fact that he was gay. He was loved by his family and peers, but that love was for a version of Mark that wasn't real.

When he finally mustered the courage to come out, he faced his fair share of hatred. He lost friends, strained relationships with his family, and even faced discrimination at work. But, for the first time in his life, he was living authentically.

Mark personifies Gide's quote, having been loved for who he was not, and then hated for who he truly is.

Rico, a young man from a deeply religious background, has a similar story. He knew from a young age that he was gay, but kept it hidden due to fear of rejection from his family and community. He was loved as the straight, God-fearing boy they believed him to be.

When Rico came out, he was met with hate, excommunication, and ostracism. Yet, through it all, Rico found freedom in finally being able to live his truth. Despite the hatred he encountered, he found love and acceptance in the LGBTQ+ community and within himself. His life embodies Gide's sentiment that being true to oneself, even when it invites hatred, is infinitely better than living a lie.

Then there's Gavin, a soldier serving in the army, a profession stereotyped as being hypermasculine and heteronormative. He's also gay. His existence, simply by being out, is a defiance against the perception of what a soldier should be.

Gide's quote for him is a banner of rebellion, living his truth even in the face of adversity. He's experienced hatred, yes, but he's also inspired change and acceptance within his unit.

Living Out the Quote: A Shared Experience

Whether it's Mark's suburban life, Rico's religious community, or Gavin's military service, these stories echo Gide's quote. They've all experienced being loved for the facade they maintained and the hatred that came when the facade fell. Yet, in living their truth, they found authenticity and, ultimately, a sense of freedom that far outweighs the acceptance they initially enjoyed.

These narratives encapsulate the struggle and triumph inherent in Gide's quote. They highlight the importance of authenticity, the courage it takes to live one's truth, and the liberation that comes from finally being seen and accepted for who one truly is. These men, like many other gay men around the world, have transformed Gide's quote from a mere collection of words into a lived reality.