Should You Call Out Your Mom?

Dear 100footer:

My mom and I have had a strained relationship for years because of her toxic, abusive boyfriend. he hates me and I hate him. We've even had violent confrontations in the past. My mom and I have agreed that if I come over to visit her she will make sure he is not there. She agrees that we should not be in the same room together.

I hadn't seen my mom in a month and I took her out to lunch and later we sat at a park bench having a charming time talking. Suddenly she pulls out her phone to call her boyfriend just to check in and make sure that he takes the dog out.

I didn't say anything to her at the time but I was incensed. She interrupted our time together to call a man I despise. I see this as just one more example of how my mother prioritizes her partner's feelings over her own children's.

She lacks any kind of self-awareness about how her actions affect her children. I'm thinking of calling her or writing an email telling her How much that phone call hurt me and that she should refrain from doing so in the future. On the one hand, I feel strongly that I need to set up boundaries with her and enforce them. On the other hand, we have just achieved a brittle peace and I'm afraid that communicating with her about this issue will set us back a bit.

Should I stand up for myself, express how I feel and set up a boundary that will enable me to visit my mother in peace or do I swallow it, do nothing and ignore it for the sake of peace?

-- Confused

Dear Confused:

Let's use three contemporary frameworks to answer the question:

Consequentialism

Consequentialism is an ethical theory that focuses on the consequences of our actions. It states that an action is right if it leads to the best overall outcome. To decide whether you should confront your mom about the phone call, you should consider the possible short-term and long-term consequences of your actions and choose the option that leads to the most positive results.

EXPRESSING YOURSELF

Short Term Consequences

If you stand up for yourself and express your feelings, the short-term consequences may include:

1. Improved communication and understanding between you and your mom.
2. Clear boundaries that help you both enjoy your time together without any interruptions.
3. Possible tension or conflict if your mom doesn't respond well to your request.

Long Term Consequences

However, the long-term consequences of standing up for yourself could be different. Some possibilities include:

1. Strengthening your relationship with your mom by addressing the issue and resolving it together.
2. Empowering yourself to set healthy boundaries in other relationships as well.
3. Risking driving your mom further into her boyfriend's arms if she feels attacked or criticized, which could exacerbate the existing strain in your relationship.

KEEPING QUIET

Short Term Consequences

On the other hand, if you choose to do nothing and ignore the issue, the short-term consequences may include:

1. Feeling resentful or hurt, which could affect your relationship with your mom.
2. The continuation of your mom prioritizing her partner over you, leading to more frustration.
3. The possibility of a more peaceful relationship, without any immediate conflicts.

Long Term Consequences

But the long-term consequences of this approach may include:

1. A continued pattern of your mom prioritizing her partner over you, which could further damage your relationship.
2. Feeling increasingly disconnected and resentful towards your mom, making it harder to repair your relationship in the future.
3. The possibility of your mom eventually recognizing the negative impact of her actions and making changes on her own, though this is not guaranteed.

Consequentialism's Answer:

In light of the short-term and long-term consequences, you should consider standing up for yourself and expressing your feelings if the potential positive outcomes (improved communication, clear boundaries, and a stronger relationship) outweigh the negative ones (tension, conflict, and driving your mom further into her boyfriend's arms).

It's important to approach the conversation with sensitivity and empathy to minimize potential negative long-term consequences.

Deontology

Deontology is an ethical theory that focuses on our duties and obligations, rather than the consequences of our actions. It states that an action is right if it follows a moral rule or principle. In this situation, you could consider the duties you have towards yourself and your mom, both in the short term and the long term.

Your short-term duties towards yourself may include:

1. Standing up for yourself and protecting your emotional well-being.
2. Ensuring that you have a healthy and respectful relationship with your mom.

Your short-term duties towards your mom may include:

1. Respecting her autonomy and her choices, even if you disagree with them.
2. Maintaining a peaceful relationship with her, despite the challenges.

 In the short term, deontology suggests that you should stand up for yourself and express your feelings because it is your duty to protect your emotional well-being and ensure a healthy relationship with your mom.

However, you should also respect her autonomy and try to maintain peace in your relationship.

When considering long-term duties, it is important to think about how your actions may impact your relationship with your mom over time. Your long-term duties towards yourself and your mom could include:

1. Fostering a stable and supportive relationship built on open communication and mutual respect.
2. Encouraging your mom to prioritize her own well-being and that of her children, rather than being entirely focused on her partner.
3. Balancing your need for boundaries with the importance of maintaining a connection with your mom.

Deontology's Answer:

In light of your short-term and long-term duties, you should consider standing up for yourself and expressing your feelings, while also respecting your mom's autonomy and working towards fostering a stable and supportive relationship over time.

It's important to approach the conversation in a way that minimizes the risk of driving your mom further into her boyfriend's arms in the long run. This could involve choosing the right time and place for the conversation, using empathetic and non-accusatory language, and focusing on your feelings rather than blaming your mom for the situation.

Virtue Ethics

Virtue ethics is an ethical theory that focuses on developing good character traits, such as courage, honesty, and empathy. It states that an action is right if it reflects a virtuous character. In this situation, you should consider the virtues that would guide you in dealing with your mom, both in the short term and the long term.

Some relevant virtues for the short-term may include:

1. Courage: Standing up for yourself and expressing your feelings, even if it's difficult.
2. Honesty: Being truthful about how the phone call hurt you and why you think it's important to set boundaries.
3. Empathy: Understanding your mom's perspective and feelings, and trying to maintain a peaceful relationship.

In the short term, virtue ethics suggests that you should stand up for yourself and express your feelings, guided by the virtues of courage, honesty, and empathy.

This means being honest about your feelings, while also trying to understand your mom's perspective and maintaining a peaceful relationship.

When considering the long-term implications of your actions, you should think about how acting in accordance with these virtues can impact your relationship with your mom over time.

Some virtues relevant to the long-term may include:

1. Patience: Recognizing that change may take time and being willing to work through challenges together.
2. Forgiveness: Letting go of past grievances and focusing on building a healthier relationship moving forward.
3. Perseverance: Continuing to advocate for your own well-being and a healthy relationship with your mom, even when it's challenging.

Virtue Ethics' Answer:

In light of both short-term and long-term goals, you should consider standing up for yourself and expressing your feelings while adhering to the virtues of courage, honesty, empathy, patience, forgiveness, and perseverance.

This means communicating your feelings and setting boundaries in a way that minimizes the risk of driving your mom further into her boyfriend's arms in the long run.

This could involve choosing an appropriate moment for the conversation, using compassionate and non-confrontational language, and remaining committed to building a healthier relationship over time, even if it takes patience and perseverance.