Why Beefcakes Won't Date Beanpoles & Other Questions of Gay Attraction

Dear 100footer;

I'm exhausted of chasing after men I find physically ideal but who don't want me back. Like so many gay men, I'm solely attracted to the muscular, macho type. Unfortunately, those men almost always want someone who matches that same "masc" aesthetic that I'll never achieve. 

No matter how hard I've trained or dieted, I remain naturally lean. Doctors won't prescribe the steroids needed to get truly jacked. I have to accept my body won't become the hunky masculine ideal I lust after. 

Meanwhile, there are decent, average guys who find me attractive and want to date me. But while I enjoy their company platonically, I'm just not sexually excited by them. I crave rough, muscular men in bed.

I desire the passion and fulfillment of a relationship but refuse to lower my physical standards. I need raw animal lust and intellectual connection in equal measures. Is that unrealistic? 

I suppose I could date a nice guy purely for companionship and seek out emotionless hookups on the side with the burly studs I'm really attracted to. But that feels dishonest. I couldn't admit I'm settling for someone's body while fantasizing about muscular men during sex.

I'm unsure if I can handle the disappointment of always pining for the rugged, masculine partners I'll never have. But I also don't want to be alone. What should I do?

-- Alone and lonely

Dear Alone:

Attraction isn't a choice. A 2020 study found men's preferences for specific body types are highly stable over time. However, few things are absolute. While research shows most muscular men want equally built partners, a 2019 study revealed increased exposure to body type diversity can help expand men's notions of attractiveness. So remain open, even if your preferred "type" feels fixed.

More importantly, focus on developing undeniable inner attractiveness. According to studies, many "mismatched" couples connect more through shared sensibilities, humor and confidence than aesthetics. Good sex stems from chemistry and enthusiasm, not mere physical appearance.

Get more insights in our Gay Dating Advice section

Concentrate on being the best version of yourself mentally and emotionally. Success, passion and drive are sexy. If you're compelling enough as a person, you may be able to expand notions of desirability. With self-acceptance comes confidence, the most attractive quality. 

Don't settle for unsatisfying relationships or give up hope of finding both mental and physical fulfillment. While difficult, one 2021 study showed therapy focused on body image and emotional needs can help slightly shift sexual attractions. So the right man may appreciate all you offer body and soul. Keep working to become someone any man would desire.