Playing It Cool is The Best Way To Heat Things Up

You had a couple of dates with Mr. Can Can and you can't can't get him out of your mind. You call but it takes him a day to call you back. You text and it takes him four hours to text back. You text flirt. He's all business. You feel strongly about him. You like him you really really like him. 

Whenever I give gay dating advice, especially in situations like this (back off, quit contacting him so much) people always recoil. "Isn't that just playing games?" they'll ask. Not in my mind. Playing a game means trying to manipulate somebody into doing or feeling something.

Recognizing where the other guy is (not that into you) and changing your behavior to mirror his (it's great if we do something, ok if we don't) isn't playing a game; it's facing a reality. The reality is this: If you don't change your behavior you're going to lose any possibility of getting closer to him.

According to a 2021 study, overpursuit actually worsens romantic prospects. It found that playing hard to get increased a pursuer's interest more than constant contact and availability. A 2022 study also showed that an air of mystery sparked more interest than excessive communication early on. 

Dating is a process of escalating honesty. Sometimes too much honesty kills a budding relationship. Telling a guy how into him you are when he's barely returning your call isn't a smart move. You may think it's just being honest; I think it's being honestly stupid. 

Plants need water, right? Well, that petite little petunia over there in the corner looks a little dry. Why don't you pour a gallon jug of water on it and see what happens? Honesty is like water. It's life sustaining in the right amount; deadly in the wrong amount.

According to a 2019 study, drastically mismatched interest levels early on spelled trouble for relationships. Couples only succeeded when feelings escalated mutually over time. So if you're full steam ahead but he's barely chugging, continuing full court pursuit will likely push him away. 

A 2022 study found emotional restraint was viewed as confident and attractive early in dating. Confessing intense feelings too soon before they are reciprocated can make you seem clingy and scare him off. 

Think of it like watering plants. Proper hydration nourishes growth. But dump a gallon on a petite petunia and you'll drown it. Honesty nourishes relationships in the right doses. Too much applied too quickly floods the foundation.

Rather than label this restraint "playing games," view it as cultivating the soil to give this potential relationship the best chance to bloom. Your needs matter too - don't overinvest in someone unwilling to make you a priority yet. Stay open to other possibilities instead of fixating on just this one person. 

Let him observe your confidence and allure from a bit of distance. According to a 2020 study, playing too available often reduced perceived attractiveness and desirability. Allow some mystery and space for anticipation to build.

Focus on nurturing your own fulfillment outside of this potential relationship. Spend time on hobbies, friends, and pursuing your goals. According to a 2021 study, perceived unavailability sparked more romantic interest than needy obsession in early dating.

Approach dating with a growth mindset. Not every match will flourish, and that's okay. Each interaction provides valuable learning and refines what you want and need. Assess whether your desires align realistically. If so, let things progress organically rather than forcing. Patience and care cultivate healthy relationships.