For Savage, the key is to approach relationships with a sense of flexibility and honesty. He writes, "It's time we started thinking of monogamy the way we think of sobriety - as an ideal to strive for but not always to achieve." That doesn't mean giving up on the idea of a committed relationship - it just means recognizing that the definition of "committed" can look different for different people.

Of course, Savage's ideas are not without controversy. Some argue that his emphasis on non-monogamy is a threat to traditional relationships. But for Savage, it's all about finding what works for the individuals involved. As he said in a TED Talk, "The mistake that many of us make is we assume that everyone else should be just like us. But there is no normal when it comes to sex and relationships."

At the end of the day, Savage's approach to monogamy is all about honesty, communication, and flexibility. Whether you choose to be monogamous or not, the important thing is to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page, and that you're both happy with the relationship you're building. As Savage writes in "The Commitment," "The only way to build a lasting, satisfying, and faithful relationship is by being open and honest with each other about your wants and needs, your hopes and fears, and your plans for the future."

It's clear that Savage is passionate about creating relationships that work for the individuals involved, rather than simply conforming to societal norms. And he's not afraid to speak out against the idea of compulsory monogamy. In an interview with Slate, he said, "People who are not wired for monogamy should not be forced to do it. And people who are wired for monogamy should not assume that everyone else is, or that they should be."

For Savage, the key is to approach relationships with a sense of openness and curiosity, rather than a set of rigid expectations. He writes, "I think a lot of people start off thinking that monogamy is the only way, and then they encounter some desire or temptation, and they think, 'Oh, I'm a bad person.' But you're not a bad person. You're a person."

Of course, there are those who might argue that Savage's approach to relationships is too unconventional or radical. But for Savage, it's all about being true to oneself and creating relationships that work for the individuals involved. As he said in an interview with The Guardian, "I think that love is the greatest thing that we do, and we should do it the way that works best for us."

In the end, whether you agree with Savage's ideas about monogamy or not, there's no denying that he has started an important conversation about what it means to be in a committed relationship. As he said in a speech at the University of Maryland, "We need to talk about what a relationship is, what a family is, what it should look like, how we should all behave, our rights and our expectations, and our mutual responsibilities."

And that conversation is ongoing. As Savage writes in "The Commitment," "It's not enough to settle for the myths we've been sold about love and relationships. We have to create new myths, new narratives, new expectations that reflect who we are and what we want." Whether you choose monogamy or something else entirely, it's clear that Savage's ideas have opened up a world of possibilities for those looking to create meaningful and satisfying relationships.

Monogamy from Esther Perel's Point of View: The Case for Ambiguity

Esther Perel is a renowned psychotherapist, author, and speaker, known for her insights into human sexuality and relationships. When it comes to monogamy, Perel takes a nuanced and compassionate approach that recognizes the complexities and challenges that can arise in any committed relationship.

For Perel, the key to successful monogamy is maintaining a sense of desire and passion, even as the relationship evolves over time. In an interview with The Atlantic, she said, "The biggest question that people face is how to reconcile love and desire. How to keep a sense of aliveness and passion in a long-term relationship."

Perel argues that many people mistake the early stages of a relationship, when desire is high and novelty is everywhere, as the "normal" state of being. But over time, that desire and passion can fade, and that's where things can get tricky. Perel writes in her book "Mating in Captivity," "Monogamy was invented when the average person lived to be 35. We now live to be 85. We have to reinvent marriage for the sake of love and desire."

For Perel, the key to keeping desire alive is to maintain a sense of separateness and independence within the relationship. In an interview with The Guardian, she said, "A relationship has to be able to allow for separateness, so that you don't fuse together into one amorphous blob." This separateness can take many forms, from pursuing individual interests to spending time apart from one another.

At the same time, Perel recognizes that monogamy is not always easy. In an interview with GQ, she said, "Monogamy is one of the most difficult commitments people can make." She argues that many people struggle with monogamy because they have unrealistic expectations about what it should look like. "We have a romantic idea that when you're in a monogamous relationship, everything is supposed to be wonderful, and when it's not, you're supposed to break up," she said.

Perel encourages couples to approach monogamy with a sense of openness and flexibility. In an interview with Vox, she said, "Monogamy doesn't have to mean the same thing for everybody. You can have a monogamous relationship that's sexually adventurous, that's kinky, that's open to new experiences."

At the same time, Perel recognizes that not everyone is comfortable with the idea of non-monogamy, and that's okay too. She writes in "Mating in Captivity," "Some people are inherently monogamous and do not desire others. They are not denying themselves or repressing their needs; this is truly what they want."

For Perel, the key is to create a relationship that works for the individuals involved, rather than simply following societal norms or expectations. In an interview with The New York Times, she said, "Monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all solution. We have to learn to talk about what we want and what we need, rather than assuming that everyone should want the same thing."

Ultimately, Perel believes that the key to successful monogamy is a willingness to be vulnerable and open with your partner. In an interview with The Guardian, she said, "The capacity to be vulnerable with each other is essential for any deep, intimate relationship. Monogamy is about creating a culture of trust, respect, and appreciation."

And that culture is something that can be nurtured and cultivated over time. As Perel writes in "Mating in Captivity," "The erotic mind is not something that exists separately from the rest of our lives. It is a perspective on life that infiltrates our relationships and our sense of self."

Whether you choose monogamy or something else entirely, Perel's approach emphasizes the importance of maintaining a sense of passion and desire in any committed relationship. She encourages couples to be open and flexible, and to approach monogamy with a sense of curiosity and exploration.

And in doing so, Perel has started an important conversation about what it means to be in a committed relationship in the modern world. As she writes in "Mating in Captivity," "The essence of modern love is not finding someone to complete you, but finding someone who can expand with you."

That expansion can take many forms, from exploring new sexual experiences to pursuing individual interests outside of the relationship. But at its core, Perel's approach to monogamy is all about recognizing that relationships are complex and multifaceted, and that there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Whether you agree with Perel's ideas or not, there's no denying that her insights into human sexuality and relationships have opened up new possibilities for those looking to create meaningful and satisfying connections with others. As she writes in "The State of Affairs," "Infidelity is not a disease, it is a symptom. To heal the wounds of infidelity, we must address the underlying issues that led to it in the first place."

And that healing can start with a deeper understanding of what it means to be in a committed relationship, and a willingness to approach that relationship with a sense of honesty, openness, and vulnerability. As Perel writes in "Mating in Captivity," "Love is an ability, not just a feeling. And like any other skill, it can be learned, practiced, and perfected."

Comparing and Contrasting the Two Points of View: Commonalities and Differences

The Commonalities

Before we dive into the differences, it's worth noting that Savage and Perel do have some things in common. For one, both recognize that monogamy is not always easy. Both argue that it's important to be honest and communicative with your partner, and to approach relationships with a sense of openness and vulnerability. And both recognize that the definition of "committed" can look different for different people.

But beyond these generalities, there are some key differences in how they approach the topic of monogamy. Let's break it down.

Dan Savage: The Importance of Ethical Non-Monogamy

For Savage, the key to successful relationships is to be honest about your desires and needs. He argues that monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and that people often have unrealistic expectations about what it should look like. Instead of trying to suppress any desire for other partners, Savage encourages couples to explore the idea of ethical non-monogamy.

In an interview with NPR, he said, "We have this idea that if we love someone, we won't want to have sex with anyone else. And that's not true. And it's not true for most people." Instead, Savage argues that the key is to be transparent and communicative about all parties involved, and to be open to the idea that a relationship might take different forms at different times.

Esther Perel: The Importance of Maintaining Desire and Passion

Perel, on the other hand, emphasizes the importance of maintaining desire and passion within a monogamous relationship. She argues that many people mistake the early stages of a relationship, when desire is high and novelty is everywhere, as the "normal" state of being. But over time, that desire and passion can fade, and that's where things can get tricky.

For Perel, the key to keeping desire alive is to maintain a sense of separateness and independence within the relationship. She argues that a relationship has to allow for separateness, so that partners don't fuse together into one amorphous blob. This separateness can take many forms, from pursuing individual interests to spending time apart from one another.

The Differences

So what are the key differences between Savage and Perel's approach to monogamy? Here are a few of the most notable.

Dan Savage: The Importance of Openness and Flexibility

For Savage, the most important thing is to create relationships that work for the individuals involved, rather than simply following societal norms. He encourages couples to approach monogamy with a sense of openness and flexibility, and to be willing to explore the idea of ethical non-monogamy.

In an article for The New York Times, he writes, "What makes a relationship work is open, honest, and ongoing communication about what each person wants and needs, and a willingness to negotiate." He argues that people often fall into the trap of assuming their partner wants the same things they do, without actually checking in to see if that's the case.

Esther Perel: The Importance of Keeping Desire Alive

Perel, on the other hand, emphasizes the importance of keeping desire alive within a monogamous relationship. She argues that it's essential to maintain a sense of separateness and independence within the relationship, and to prioritize the erotic aspect of the relationship. 

She writes in "Mating in Captivity," "The erotic is a realm of playfulness, of imagination, of pleasure, of exploration, of mystery. It requires separateness and otherness." For Perel, the key to a successful monogamous relationship is to keep the sense of aliveness and passion alive, even as the relationship evolves over time.

Dan Savage: The Importance of Being True to Oneself

Savage's approach to monogamy emphasizes the importance of being true to oneself and creating relationships that work for the individuals involved. He argues that there is no normal when it comes to sex and relationships, and that people need to be open to the idea that a relationship might take different forms at different times. 

He writes, "It's time we started thinking of monogamy the way we think of sobriety - as an ideal to strive for but not always to achieve."

Esther Perel: The Importance of Vulnerability and Trust

Perel's approach to monogamy emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and trust within a committed relationship. She argues that the capacity to be vulnerable with each other is essential for any deep, intimate relationship, and that monogamy is about creating a culture of trust, respect, and appreciation. 

She writes in "The State of Affairs," "Infidelity is not a disease, it is a symptom. To heal the wounds of infidelity, we must address the underlying issues that led to it in the first place."

The Overlap

While Savage and Perel's approaches to monogamy differ in some key ways, there is also some overlap between the two. For both, the key is to approach relationships with a sense of openness and vulnerability, and to be honest and communicative with your partner. 

Both recognize that the definition of "committed" can look different for different people, and that it's important to be true to oneself and create relationships that work for the individuals involved.

At the same time, there are some differences in how they approach monogamy. Savage emphasizes the importance of ethical non-monogamy and being open to exploring different relationship structures, while Perel emphasizes the importance of keeping desire and passion alive within a monogamous relationship.

Conclusion

In the end, both Dan Savage and Esther Perel have made important contributions to the conversation around monogamy and committed relationships. 

While they differ in some key ways, there is also some overlap in their perspectives. Both recognize that successful relationships require openness, honesty, and vulnerability, and that the definition of "committed" can look different for different people.

Ultimately, whether you choose monogamy or something else entirely, the important thing is to approach your relationships with a sense of curiosity and openness. 

As Savage writes in "The Commitment," "The only way to build a lasting, satisfying, and faithful relationship is by being open and honest with each other about your wants and needs, your hopes and fears, and your plans for the future." 

Whether you take a page from Savage's book and explore the idea of ethical non-monogamy, or from Perel's and focus on keeping desire and passion alive within a monogamous relationship, the important thing is to be true to yourself and your partner, and to create a relationship that works for both of you.