The Curse of Casual Chemistry

Dear 100Footer:

I'm a fan of passionate, intimate sex, even during casual hookups. I adore making eye contact, locking lips, and striking a balance between wild and tender.

When the chemistry's right, my hookup encounters feel like "making love." Surprisingly, lots of guys are into this, as if they've been missing it. I'm not scared of vulnerability during sex, and maybe that's why it's so enjoyable.

But here's the issue: many of these dudes, with whom I "make love" and connect exceptionally well, want to meet up again, date, confess their crush, or even claim love and exclusivity. They knew it was a no-strings-attached hookup, but they get mad when I say, "It was a blast. You're awesome, but I don't want to date." I've just left a long-term relationship, so dating's not on my radar now.

I never hint at anything beyond a hookup, but our "making love" style might confuse them. This has led to mean messages, hurt feelings, and drama, as they can't comprehend why I won't meet again after our fantastic first encounter.

I don't want to hurt anyone. So, how can I keep enjoying the passionate sex I crave without leading guys on or causing pain?

--Thanks a bunch.

ANSWER:

Picture this: I'm strolling on the beach and find a genie bottle. Out pops a drag queen genie who grants me one wish. I ask for "peace in the Middle East," but she says she's not that powerful. So, I wish for a stunning, loyal, fun, smart, hilarious, generous, and available hottie. The genie pauses and asks for the map again.

The moral? You're a genie's worst nightmare. Even magic can't make someone like you available.

Firstly, I get why these guys are upset. Not because you're wrong, but because you're doing everything right without following through.

I can relate. There's no difference in my lovemaking style, whether it's a one-night stand or a lifelong partner. Sex, to me, is a blend of emotions, physicality, sexuality, and psychology – a big birthday cake, if you will.

When affectionate, kind, and gentle people like us engage in loving sex, misunderstandings with our casual partners are bound to happen. They're not used to this level of intimacy outside of relationships, so they might think we want more.

I've been both a victim and a culprit of this lovemaking style. When I meet someone like me who enjoys deep connections, I assume they want to date, and I'm hurt when they don't.

In such cases, I remind myself that the guy doesn't owe me anything – no explanation, reason, or excuse. Spending one or a few nights together doesn't imply any commitment. That's Gay Dating 101.

So, my point is, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Your personal lovemaking style is neither a crime nor a misdemeanor. You're not doing anything wrong before, during, or after the act.

You need to let go of the idea that you're responsible for others' interpretations or desires to be with you. You can't be in charge of how they handle rejection, as long as you're respectful.