His Gay Friends Excluded Him From a Fabulous Trip. What Should He Do?

Dear 100footer,

I am part of a close friend group with four other gay men. They are embarking on a fabulous international adventure, yet excluded me from joining. I've traveled successfully before with one member, albeit less smoothly with the trip's organizer.

While that created some distance initially, our relationship has since recovered. Nonetheless, I am quite hurt by being left out. As an enthusiastic traveler with a partner who cannot afford such lavish getaways, I rely on friends for these opportunities. Moreover, I respect these men, even if they aren't my closest companions.

This exclusion signifies I am unimportant to them. How should I proceed - confront the organizer or each friend? Withdraw from the group? Or handle the matter otherwise? Please advise this jilted jet-setter.

Left Behind in LA

Dear Left Behind:

I am going to use the principles behind each branch of ethicism to answer your question.  Why? Because it's more fun to see your problem from different ethical vantage points.  Ready?

Applied Ethics

Applied ethics examines how we should act in specific situations. In your case, being excluded from the trip hurts your feelings. But look at the context - as a group of five, travel logistics like transportation and hotels get more complicated. Maybe your different travel styles also factored into their decision. Rather than taking this personally, understand it may have been a practical choice by your friends, not a malicious one. Don't let one incident undo your friendship. Continue participating in the group positively. When you're ready, tell the organizer you'd love to join their next adventure.

*Applied ethics recommendation: Don't assume the worst intent. Keep engaging with the friends group while you process the hurt.*

Normative Ethics

Normative ethics focuses on establishing moral standards that should guide our conduct. Loyal friends should make an effort to include one another in group activities. Yet organizing group travel requires balancing many factors, and your friends may have acted in good faith. While you deserve an explanation, be careful not to overreact in anger at being left out this time. Communicate your disappointment, but also your desire to understand their reasoning and stay part of the group. Avoid demands or accusations. With good faith on both sides, you can resolve this misunderstanding. 

*Normative ethics recommendation: Calmly discuss your feelings but avoid toxic accusations. Prioritize preserving the friendship.*

Metaethics

Metaethics looks at the nature of ethical properties and judgements. Your interpretation of your friends' motives shapes your moral judgement of the situation. Are they malicious exclusionists or practical travel planners? The truth likely lies somewhere in between. Recognize that your hurt feelings may bias you negatively. But also reflect carefully on whether repeated exclusion suggests a pattern. Seek more data points before concluding your status in the group. In the meantime, maintain your own integrity through dignified conduct.

*Metaethics recommendation: Withhold final moral judgement until you objectively examine motives and patterns.*

Deontological Ethics

Deontological ethics emphasizes one's duty and obligations. You and your friends all have a duty to treat each other with respect. The trip organizers may have failed in their obligation to consider your feelings. But causing more harm through retaliation or accusations also violates duties. Your obligation is to communicate your perspective honestly while reaffirming shared duties of care and support within the group. This approach holds everyone accountable while prioritizing reconciliation.

*Deontological ethics recommendation: Calmly explain how exclusion hurt you while reminding friends of their duties to the group.*

Teleological Ethics

Teleological ethics focuses on the outcomes or consequences of actions. Exclusion from this trip caused emotional harm with no benefit. But public confrontation could fracture the group, causing more long-term harm. A better path is a thoughtful discussion of everyone's needs, so future trips can include all willing members. Though you miss out this time, compromising optimizes happiness for you and friends over the long run. Maximizing collective well-being is the most ethical long-term outcome.

*Teleological ethics recommendation: Have an open discussion of needs to maximize happiness for all going forward.*

In summary, consideration of key ethical perspectives yields similar guidance. While exclusion hurts and merits discussion, avoid aggressive confrontation. Your most ethical response will likely combine honest communication of your feelings with patience, care and understanding for well-meaning friends. Shared good faith can heal this rift.