Goodbye Yawns, Hello Yarns: Your Guide to Better Convos

Want to meet gay men? The trick to preventing conversational dead-ends is to jump from one subject to the other BEFORE any one subject dries up. You do this all the time with good friends–you just don’t realize it. Here, look at the difference in conversational styles when you talk to a stranger vs. a friend.

You and a Stranger…

You: Have you been to that new boutique hotel downtown?

Stranger: No, I haven’t. Have you? (continues thread)

You: Yeah, it’s pretty rad (continue thread)

Stranger: What makes it so different? (continues thread)

You: It’s got a pool in the middle of the lobby. (continue thread)



Can you spell B-O-R-I-N-G? Question. Answer. Question. Answer. No energy. Now look at the same conversation if you’d had it with a good friend…

You: Have you been to that new boutique hotel downtown?

Friend: Oh yeah, I slept with a guy in the condo next door! (opens a new thread) Is it worth going to? (jumps back to first thread)

You: Is there any building in this town you haven’t had sex in?  You’re like a walking petri dish. (Open new thread). Anyway, the hotel’s pretty rad, actually. (Return to original thread).

Friend: It’s not my fault you can’t get guys. Try talking to a man without looking at your shoes for once. (opens yet another thread). What makes it so different? (Returns to original thread).

You: Yes, I want to be just like you–walk into the STD clinic and say, “I’ll have the usual!” (open another thread) No, thanks. Anyway, it’s got a pool in the middle of the lobby.



Multiple Threads

Strangers talk in a single thread (boring); friends talk in multiple threads (exciting). Think of a subject you bring up to him as a “thread” in the mosaic of a conversation. You’d have a pretty boring piece of fabric if you made the whole thing out of one single string.

So create multiple ones. Multiple threads create energy, rapport and the feeling that you have a lot to talk about. Multiple threads also create a mild form of suspense in the way the best TV shows do.

Before they go to commercial break TV shows end with a mini-cliffhanger so you’ll be sure to stay tuned. You can do the same thing in a conversation through multiple threads.

Example:

“Which singer would you want to be in the Village People? Wait! Before you answer, did I tell you what happened to me today? (tell your quick story, then…) Oh my bad, so which singer would you want to be?”



Multiple threads create open loops to give you the opportunity to come back and close them. They add suspense. Any time you introduce an unresolved question, an unfinished sentence, or cut a story off you add a little intrigue.

Another example: “So my secret to making a perfect cup of coffee is to, wait, did you just see that dog hanging out of the car window?!”

You can easily add multiple threads by noticing something new and getting more excited about it than what you were talking about. Then return to the original thread. Here are a few extra tips for keeping the conversation energetic and fun:

Rephrase Questions As Interesting Comments.

By rephrasing standard questions you open up whole new avenues of conversation.

Standard: “How many brothers and sisters do you have?”

Rephrase: “I bet you’re the youngest in your family.”

Use Time Constraints.

Example: “You know what? If I didn’t have to go right now–which I do–I’d tell you the third step of brewing the perfect cup of coffee.”

Time constraints are like a break for commercials. You’ll be back to tell him the end of the story.

Assert Your Frame.

That’s a fancy way of saying you should change the subject when the conversation goes in an unhelpful direction. By pulling him into your frame of reference–your reality–you can guide the conversation. Example:

Him: “So every time I hear that song, I think of my ex-boyfriend.”

You: “That reminds me, New Band just dropped their latest album. Do you like their stuff?”



Answer “What Do You Do” In An Inventive Way.

“What do you do for a living?” is an inevitable question. You can answer in a way that’ll guide the conversation into shared experiences.

Don’t ever answer with something like, “Systems Administrator.” Christ, I’m bored just typing it out.

Worse, he probably won’t relate so he’ll resort to stereotyping (you’re boring, tedious, unimaginative, or whatever the stereotype is for your profession). Your answer needs to be relatable. Here’s a really neat way of doing it:

When I was little I wanted to be ______.  When I was a teenager I wanted to be _______. And now, I’m a _____. Can you believe it? So my latest project is ______.

If you take him on a small, revealing journey he’s going to feel closer to you. And it sets you up to reciprocate in an interesting way: “What were you like when you were a teenager?”

And if all that seems too much work, try this: “I’m a stunt ass.”

He Asked You Out! Now What?

Dial back the amount of texts you send. If you go into text overkill, you could scare him off and give him a reason to make up an excuse to cancel. Leave some mystery and generate some intrigue.

Also, don’t send him any “Snoopy dinner dance” texts. Examples:

You: Yay, I can’t WAIT till Saturday!!! :):):):):)

You: So glad you asked me out! Didn’t think you would.

You: I can finally die happy!!!!!



Tone it down, sistah. Otherwise you’re hopping on the train to Crazytown, and he’s not going to be on board with you. Do drop him a text to confirm time and place and always do a light tease: “I’m looking forward to reminding you in person that my dog is cuter than yours!”

Good luck on your date.

Should you accept a last-minute date?

This is a tricky one. It depends on the level of desire you have for him. If it’s just sex you want, the answer comes straight from the Department Of Duh: YES! If the desire is symmetrical (you’re both into it at the same level), then I’d say YES again.

If there’s asymmetrical desire, absolutely not. The best way of figuring out if you should make or accept a last-minute date is to ask yourself this question: 

“Will this increase or decrease the level of attraction?”

If it does, then do it. If it doesn’t, don’t. I don’t necessarily subscribe to the notion that a last-minute ask reflects poorly on him for asking or you for accepting. A lot of your answer should depend on how he frames it:

Bad:

“I’ve got two tickets to the ball game but my friend can’t come. You in?”

That sounds like he planned for steak but settled for chicken. Don’t be a cluck.

Good:

“I’ve unexpectedly found myself with two tickets to Whatever. Let’s go and I promise the next time I ask you to do something I’ll give you six weeks notice. ;>).”

This idea that you have to pretend that you’re busy for the next two weeks to make yourself more desirable really is playing games. Yes, it’s always best to wait if you can but if another weekend looking at the dog licking his balls is going to propel you right off the roof then say yes.

 If he’s into you as much as you’re into him send him a text like this:

I’ve got plans tomorrow night but I’d rather hang with you. I’ll break them but you owe me BIG ;>)

Let’s Review.

If dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire, then texting is the digital expression of it. Your goal isn’t to text up a storm; it’s to get him under your umbrella. Beware how easy it is to feel like you’re in a relationship because you’re typing at each other.

Turn your texts into a date or hookup. Otherwise you’re just texturbating. And really, there are so many better places to put your hands than your phone.