How To Comfort Someone When They're Feeling Down
Here's How to Lift Friends & Lovers Up
Picture this. Your best buddy (let's call him Harry) is having the bluest day of his life, and you're at a loss. Should you let him spill his guts, stuff him with sugar, or gift him some alone time? Experts have this to say: the solution is simple yet striking - just start chatting!
"When Harry's down in the dumps," says Erik, Harry's husband, "the best thing I can do is just talk to him, hear him out. It's the magic of words, really."
The Science of Sympathy
Erik's onto something big. Us humans, we're the gabby types. Our brains are all about the social signals we get from our pals, colleagues, and family. And guess what? We use those signals to shape our feelings and actions.
We interviewed Razia Sahi, a whiz-kid in psychology from the University of California, who studies how chit-chat impacts our emotions. She said, "People are super aware of what others think about them. It influences everything they do."
But hold up, not all words carry the same weight. Certain phrases pack more punch when it comes to comforting someone.
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Picking the Right Words
Sahi and her crew published a study in December revealing that validation is key. Expressions like, "I totally get why you feel this way," or "That sounds super tough," were found to be the top comfort-food for the soul.
But, there's more to the comforting game. Other types of responses like encouraging someone to view the situation in a new light, or reminding them that things get better, can be just the ticket.
"Different strategies work for different people," says Karen Niven, a psychology guru from the Sheffield University Management School. "Some people might need validation, while others need a bit of a pep talk to get them out of a funk."
The Art of Comforting
Here's your cheat sheet, built from research, to become the 'Support Supremo' in your squad.
It's Valid to Validate!
Research has found that telling folks to stop feeling so bad can make things worse. A 2012 study showed that telling upset customers to "chill out" made them more heated!
Why? Because it makes them feel like they're overreacting. Sahi explains, "These strategies can backfire because they hint that the person's emotions might not be quite in sync with the situation. The result? They get even more emotional."
"There's zero proof that telling someone to calm down actually works," adds Dr. Niven.
In another study, Sahi's team asked people what they found most comforting after a spat with someone. The response? Validation was the hands-down winner. People preferred understanding comments like, "I can imagine how tough that was." over advice like, "Look on the bright side." or "Try to see both sides."
The Power of Feeling Understood
Harry, who's usually the life of the party, felt understood when Erik just listened. "When Erik says he gets how I'm feeling, it makes me feel cared for. It gives me a sense of connection." he told us.
And according to Sahi, that's vital for our well-being. "Feeling connected to others is mega important for us," she explains. "Since our ancestors were more likely to survive as a group, being accepted is embedded in our survival instincts."
So next time your friend, partner, or colleague is having a tough day, just sit down and start a chat. That's all it takes!
Listening: An Underestimated Superpower
Let's say your work pal, whom we'll call John, is having a sour day at the office. Your instinct might be to offer solutions or try to lighten the mood. But sometimes, all John really needs is someone to listen.
"Usually, when I'm stressed about work, the last thing I want is advice," John confesses. "More than anything, I need a friendly ear to unload on. It feels nice to know that someone cares." That's why it's important to ask somebody, "Do you want to heard, helped or hugged?"
Quick Tip: One of the best ways to comfort somebody is with regular 8-minute phone calls.
Turn on the Empathy Faucet
Expressing empathy can go a long way when comforting a friend in distress. The good news is, it's as simple as being understanding and patient. Let them know you're there for them without any pressure to "snap out of it."
When asked about his go-to approach when his partner is feeling down, Richard, John's long-time boyfriend, revealed, "I always remind him that it's okay to feel what he's feeling. I let him know that I'm here for him, even if that just means sitting quietly next to him."
Cut the Clichés
Ever tried to comfort someone by saying things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" They might seem helpful, but in reality, they can sometimes feel dismissive. Avoid using clichéd phrases and focus more on genuine, thoughtful responses.
"When Richard avoids using clichés and instead listens and responds with sincerity, it makes a world of difference," John tells us. "He doesn't try to fix everything - he just supports me. And that means a lot."
Avoid Negating Feelings
One common pitfall when trying to comfort someone is inadvertently negating their feelings. Telling them to look at the bright side, for instance, might come off as belittling their struggles.
Richard believes it's important to honor John's feelings. "I never tell him to just 'cheer up' or that 'it's not a big deal.' I understand that what he's going through is significant for him, and I respect that," he says.
So, folks, remember these tips next time you're in the comforting hot-seat. It's all about conversation, empathy, and a big ol' dose of understanding. No clichés, no problem-solving, just plain old support and validation. And that's the kind of comfort food everyone can stomach!
Time to Strategize? Check in First!
When you've done the hard work of validating your friend's feelings (you rockstar, you!), it might be time to help them untangle their problems. But wait, don't jump in with solutions right away. According to Dr. Niven, helping someone strategize can help them regain a sense of control over their circumstances, but this depends on whether they're ready for it.
Consider James, Harry's go-to confidant. James tells us, "I'm careful not to jump into solution mode unless Harry seems open to it. The last thing I want is to make him feel like I'm undermining his feelings."
Look for the Cues
So, how do you know if they're ready for some strategy time? Sahi suggests listening closely to their choice of words.
"People give hints about what they want," Sahi says. "If Harry says something like, 'It feels like they don't care about me,' he's likely looking for a sympathetic ear. But if he talks about wanting to feel differently or solve a problem, that's my cue to help him strategize."
The Careful Art of Problem-Solving
Once you're sure your friend is open to discussing solutions, it's still crucial to approach it with care. Start by reassuring them you understand their feelings, suggests Dr. Niven.
When we asked Harry about how James helps him strategize, he shared, "James always starts by acknowledging how I feel. I'm more open to his advice because he doesn't brush my feelings aside."
Then, when you're ready to dive into problem-solving, consider an approach known as "temporal distancing." Essentially, this involves reminding them that though things may be tough now, they'll likely get better over time.
"James doesn't rush to paint a rosy picture or try to show me 'the other side.' He just reminds me that time heals. And for me, that works wonders," Harry explains.
Mirror Their Support Style
According to Sahi's research, considering how your friend has supported you in the past might provide valuable insight. People who usually give problem-solving advice prefer to receive the same kind of help when they're upset.
Serious Interventions: Handle with Care
But let's say your friend is in a sticky situation, like an unhealthy relationship. That calls for a different approach. Jamil Zaki, a social psychologist from Stanford University, suggests starting with expressing your care for them.
"Before I challenge Harry's perspective, I reassure him about my intentions. I let him know that I want the best for him," James says.
Just Be There: It Counts!
Don't fret too much about perfecting your comforting game. Dr. Zaki assures that our attempts to help are appreciated even if we're feeling a little clueless.
"You don't have to get everything spot-on," he says. "What matters most is being present and showing that you care."
A study from 2022 confirms this. It turns out that people usually underestimate how much their support means to others, even if it isn't exactly what they need.
Harry agrees. "When I'm upset, having James there for me is a huge comfort. It's not always about what he says, but more about him just being there."
And that, folks, is the comforting mantra you need. Your presence, your attempts to help, your listening ear – they all make a difference, often more than you think! So next time a friend needs a shoulder to lean on, remember that your support is already comfort food for their soul.
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