Is Your Body Language Unconsciously Sending "Go Away" Signals?

Gay Body Language: How To Get Guys To Approach You

Ever felt like you're invisible in the gay dating scene? Wondering why some guys are like magnets at a bar, while you're more like wallpaper? Last week we talked about how to make yourself more approachable.

Let's do a quick summary of that post.

First off, let's shatter a myth: being approached in the gay dating world isn't just about looking good or being friendly. It's about the signals you send. Newsflash: women, in hetero encounters, initiate 90% of the interactions through signaling. Men may approach, but women beckon. Now, how does this translate to gay dating? Simple: It's all about your signaling game.

Phase 1, the "Eye Talk": This is where the magic starts. Picture this: You spot someone attractive, your eyebrows lift, your eyes widen, pupils dilate - it's like a neon sign flashing "Interested!" But here's the catch: if your eye game isn't on point, you're missing opportunities. The key? A longer-than-usual gaze, but subtle - think two to three seconds, max. It's the non-verbal equivalent of saying, "Hey, I'm into you."

Here's a real-life scenario: I was with a friend at a bar, and he's complaining about being ignored. Lo and behold, a guy gives him the classic eyebrow flash. But my friend? He's looking away, arms crossed, practically with his back turned. Message sent: "Not interested."

Which brings us to the big question: Are you unknowingly turning people away? Time to do a quick self-check.

Phase 2, "Body Talk": Let's get physical (but not in the way Olivia Newton-John meant). Your body language speaks volumes. Stand up straight - it's not just good for your back, but also your love life. Pay attention to your lips, and please, ease up on the tight clothes. Suggest, don't scream, your physical attributes. Use your hands to accentuate your features, and never underestimate the power of a good pair of shoes.

Finally, Phase 3, "The Look": So, he looked your way, but isn't making a move? Patience, my friend. Studies show guys need at least three instances of eye contact before taking the leap. Help him out. There's a technique called "Triangulate" - a specific gaze pattern signaling sexual interest. It's like connecting the dots: eye to eye, down to the mouth, and back up.

How To Check Your Body Language Isn't Sending "Go Away" Signals

Freeze! Body check! Are your arms crossed? IN ANY WAY? If you’re sitting, are your legs crossed? It’s okay to sit in the traditional “Open 4” (the typical male way of sitting—one ankle resting on the knee of the other leg) as long as you’re foot is pointing to him and you don’t drape your arm over, creating a double barrier.

You’d be surprised what these FREEZE! body language inventories reveal. You may think you’re doing everything right until you look down and see that you’re…

Folding your arms against your chest. The very worst of the arm crosses—you might as well stick the porn in right now for all the luck you’re going to have bringing somebody home.

Holding yourself in a Double Arm Grip. It’s a form of self-hugging that screams insecurity. If you’re looking for Superman, this is your kryptonite.

Holding Your Hands Behind Your Back. Psychologists see this position as a subconscious sign of fearlessness because you’re exposing your stomach, heart, crotch and throat, making them vulnerable. It’s actually a good position to take in high stress situations like a job interview but as an invitation to approach? Not so much. Why? Look at your palms. Where are they?

Gripping a wrist behind your back. It signifies frustration, an attempt at self-control, almost as if you’re stopping yourself from assaulting somebody.

Gripping Your Upper Arm. Not pretty. It’s a sign you’re frustrated or angry. In fact, reports show that the higher the handgrip, the more frustrated or angry the person is. That’s actually how the saying, “Get a grip on yourself” got started. There’s an easy way to break this position. Ask yourself, “Would I approach somebody who needs to get a grip on himself?”

Standing with your hands in your pocket. Do not hide your palms. It doesn’t just say I don’t trust you, it says “don’t trust me.”

Standing with your hands in your pocket, but with the thumbs out. It’s better than hiding your hands completely but beware the subconscious subtext. Thumbs are associated with superiority, dominance and imperiousness. In Rome, the thumbs down sign meant death, and it still holds a subtle “I get to decide whether you live or die” tinge today. When you say something like “hit the road, Jack” it’s the thumb you usually point with. Try pointing to somebody with your thumb and see their reaction. It won’t be pretty.

Using a Partial Arm Cross. One arm swings across the body to hold or touch the other arm or shoulder. It’s so infantilizing you might as well stick your thumb in your mouth.

Holding Hands with Yourself. Guys tend to use this when they’re waiting to be introduced at a public function. It’s a form of having your hand held. It’s not bad, but only in the way that small road kill isn’t as bad for your car as big ones.

Keep your body open. The subtlest arm crossing will make a guy think twice about approaching you. Even holding a cocktail with two hands. Yes, some forms of closed body language are worse than others, but there’s only one meaning to “Stay Away” and it doesn’t change on the basis of a whisper or a scream.

You don’t have to cross your arms to keep guys away. You can do it by raising your arms. Watch. Clasp your hands behind your head and lean back. What’s the feeling? Arrogance, like you’re full of yourself. Would you approach somebody who takes a bow when he hears thunder? Of course not. Now watch this: Put those same clasped hands on top of your head.

The impression? Friendly, accessible. Would you approach somebody who looks like a lot of fun? Of course! The same gesture, inches apart, can mean the difference between getting approached and being passed over. As we all know, a few inches go a long way.

Okay, now that you know what not to do, what should you do?

Open your “Territory Line.” When you’re talking to your friends, create a V-shaped corridor from your chest to your hands. It’s a subtle way of drawing in anybody who’s interested because it creates an invisible path from the widest space between your arms to a single point in your chest. Try it in the mirror.

Make a V with your arms over your head. Now lower your arms to chest level. There. As you talk, make loose gestures while keeping your arms in a general V-shape (with elbows in or out, with fingers curved or straight or forearms coming in and out). You know those guys that get hit on like a lab rat whacking the heroin lever? That’s what they do.

Excuse yourself from your friends. Always go out with friends, because as you’ll see in Chapter Fifteen, “social proof” is the closest thing to a psychological pheromone. But if you’re not careful, that circle of friends you’re standing with can become an army of cockblockers.

Rare is the man who’s confident enough (or stupid enough) to bust a move on somebody standing in a group, no matter how many eyebrow flashes, lingering glances or triangular gaze patterns you throw at him. Always ask yourself:

“Would I try to talk to a cute guy if he was surrounded by people I didn’t know?

Then why am I expecting him to do it?”

So, take frequent bathroom breaks and go the long way around. Or tell your friends you saw somebody you want to talk to—and wander around the place. Make yourself available.

Phase 4: He Looked And Came Over!

Okay, so you’ve smiled, thrown the glances, created V-lines, worn the right clothes in the right way, separated yourself from the herd and he not only glanced back, but he came over! Now what?

You’re halfway home. His or yours, to be determined. Use the conversational techniques we talked about in Chapter Six, put one foot in front of the other, and you’ll no doubt end up with his manhood, his phone number or the keys to his house.

UNLESS… your body language goes south. Make sure you keep sending the right signals by:

Creating invisible ‘hallways.’ Use your hands and arms to form a sort of hallway between the two of you. This is a great way to draw him in closer to you while at the same time sending a “back off he’s mine” signal to others. It’s a more intimate version of the V-shaped corridor you made earlier.

Point, point, point. With your hands, your feet and your head. Your head? Yes. Nod when he speaks. It not only signals agreement, it’s a subconscious way of pointing, which as you know, is a man’s way of saying he wants to fill you out like an application.

If you’re leaning on a table, make sure the supporting hand and fingers are pointed toward him. If you’re sitting, cross your knees toward him. If you’re standing, lean toward him. Point, point, point.

Get him to touch you. Wear a tie that needs to be straightened or put some lint on a dark shirt. He won’t be able to resist brushing the lint off or straightening your tie. It requires coming into your intimate zone, where sparks will fly.

Leave something behind. Like a vial of lip balm, a key chain, or a lighter. Subconsciously you’re saying, “I don’t want to leave you.” If he takes it (as opposed to leaving it on the bar or table), it’s a good sign he wants to keep talking.

Lead him down the garden path. Think of yourself as a landscaper—you’ve got to clear the path to your door. Every gesture, movement, posture and expression can be a weed or a flower, a downed tree limb blocking the path or a landscaped canopy welcoming you forward. If you make the path clear and inviting, you’re going to get a lot of guys banging on your front door.

Or back door, depending on your preference.

A Summary of Making Yourself More Approachable

So, you started out with body language signs that blinked “Beat it” and morphed them into signs that say, “Beat me.” Congratulations! Now, keep the beat going by remembering these core principles:

Invite him to make eye contact with eyebrow flashes and longer-than-usual gazes.
Respond to his gaze by averting your eyes downward then looking up.
Remove doubt about your intentions by using the triangular sweep gaze.
If he doesn’t return your look, check your attention-getting devices—don’t slouch, keep your palms and arms uncrossed, and wear necklaces and form-fitting clothes.
If he looked but won’t come over, take the risk out of it for him by opening your ‘territory line’ and excusing yourself from your friends so you’ll be alone.
When he comes over create ‘invisible hallways” with your gestures to draw him in, and point with everything you’ve got—your head, feet, arms and everything in between.
Get him to touch you with irresistible invitations like wearing a crooked tie.