A Comprehensive Guide To Ruining Your Dating Profile 

We have a rule in our Gay App Dating Guide: If you want to turn off a guy in three seconds flat, just do the following:

Brag. 

Bragging of any kind makes others want to run out and buy “Anti-Asshole Spray.” Share about your successes, sure, but be humble please. Here’s one of the few examples of a bragging profile that works (but only for a hookup site):

“I'm 6'0, 155 lbs, blonde, green eyes, trim, athletic, build, clean cut all around, 23yrs old, with a c*ck that'd make ya beg fer ya mama and an ass that make ya step back and go "DAMN"

Use Sexual Innuendo.

If all you are looking for is a hook-up, then by all means, keep it raunchy. But if you’re looking for more, don’t over-sexualize things. Which brings up the age old question: Should you post pics of your junk?

Misspell Words.

They immediately peg you as either lazy or stupid. Even if the misspelling is obvious and meant to be ironic or show your pop-culture props, don’t do it. Typing, “stooopid” just makes you sound that way.

Use Swear Words. 

Never underestimate the depth of bad vibe that cursing in print can leave. It’s just safer to avoid it. If you have a breath-taking gift for stringing one bad word after the other, then you may want to mention it, but save the examples for future conversations.

Negative comments about past relationships. 

Bitter, party of one? There’s no way around not sounding ridiculously bitter and possibly unhinged when you talk about your ex online. You may think, well, it’s better to state the facts and get them out of the way, right? Wrong. Don’t do it. It kills the mood.

Negativity in general.

So you’re sick of being single, hate your ex, or can’t stand the Dave Matthews Band. Save your snarky comments for after you’ve gotten to know your date (and know them well, I might add) or else risk getting pegged a total downer by anyone who reads your profile. 

Even if snark is your specialty, you want to only hint at your extraordinary talent, and save demonstrations for later conversations. Always read your profile for negativity and flip all your complaints into desires. Example: Instead of saying, “I hate people who play games,” write, “Being upfront and forthright is really important to me.”

Exhaustive Lists…Of Anything. 

Listing every hobby you have, job you’ve held, or country you’ve ever traveled to might seem like a great way to give people a sense of who you are. But lists have a way of making people’s eyes glaze over, and ultimately paint you as a bit of a self-centered bore. 

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but online dating research from Harvard, Boston University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology shows it’s better to be vague in your profile. That when it comes to information — the more details you provide, the worse you look.

“People mistake vagueness for attractiveness, filling in the missing details in ways that suit their own desires,” explains a researcher in an online dating article for Scientific American. 

Instead of list-making, try focusing on two or three favorites that give a sense of your personality. For example, instead of listing every (insert favorite TV show here) episode cross-referenced against guest stars, just tell us which two or three are your favorites.

No Adjectives!

Wait, what? How can you describe yourself without using adjectives? Let me explain. Here’s a list of adjectives most people use about themselves: 

“Smart. Kind. Warm. Funny. Honest. Ambitious.”

Sounds good, but did you actually learn anything about this person? Worse, it also sounds just like EVERY other person’s list of self-descriptors. The answer, once again, is to show and not tell. 

Don’t tell me you’re kind—describe your experiences volunteering at the soup kitchen. Don’t tell me you’re disciplined—tell me how you challenged yourself before the last race or marathon. Get the idea?

No Emoticons And Abbreviations. 

It’s easy to pin a smiley face or the odd LOL onto a profile. While a lot of younger guys won’t mind, there’s still a large percentage of guys who’ll roll their eyes. Instead of using them, ask yourself, “What am I trying to express?”

Then express it in words. Example: “I just launched my own business out of my house. ;>) Better: “I just launched my own business out of my house. I get to call the shots now—in my pajamas, no less!”

Don’t Tell Us You’re Hot

You may be hot, but let us decide please. If you announce that you’re sexy and gorgeous, the only thing you’ve done is convinced us that every session with you is going to be a three-way—you, your partner and your ego. 

Beware Of Being Too Picky

It’s one thing to have standards. It’s another thing to have a mile-long list of demands that make people think you’re as easy and carefree to roll around with as a porcupine.

Consider your reaction to this write-up:

“You: 25 to 32, Ivy League (except Penn), minimum 5’ 10", maximum 180 lbs., pectoral-to-waist ratio .33; fiscal conservative/social liberal; profession: law, medicine); hobbies: pan-Asian cooking, helping the needy, foot rubs; civil to (but not close “friends” with) ex-partners; informed, witty, self-starter: equally comfortable chatting at state dinners and changing tires. Send introductory email along with photo, high school and college transcripts, 3 recommendations (1 academic, 1 professional, 1 former lover with whom you’re still friends) plus a 750-word essay on, “Why I Always Share My Feelings.” 

I know some of you are going to think, “What’s wrong with it? Doesn’t the guy have a right to be as selective as he wants?” Well, yes. But he also forfeits his right to complain that he doesn’t get any responses. Because even if you DID fit the bill, you’re likely to say, “F*ck this guy—how could you ever have a good time with somebody this arrogant?

Being Picky Vs Eliminating The Odds

Let’s stay on this subject for a little while more because I see it as a real barrier for a lot of guys. They think if they don’t have a humongous list of demands they’re settling.

Well, there’s a difference between settling and eliminating all possibilities of something growing into the kind of relationship you want. 

Understand this clearly: The more negative and demanding you are, the more of an asshole you come off as being. When was the last time you went online looking for an assh*le? 

If you really do have a long list of requirements you need to pare them down to a few that truly matter. Like, “No child pornographers.” Or more understandably, “No child pornographers who smoke!”

I mean, really. The nerve of some people.