Defensiveness: Dodging and Weaving in Gay Relationships

Note: This is #3 in our 4-part series of dealing with the Four Horsemen of The Relationship Apocalypse.

Horseman #1: Criticism. How To Complain Without Blame

Horseman #2: Contempt. How To Avoid The Most Dangerous of The Horsemen

Horseman #4: Stonewalling. How To Break Self-Imposed Silences.

This series is part of our Gay Relationship Advice Guide.

How does defensiveness work? Imagine this: David complains about his partner, Marco, spending too much time at work. Marco’s response? “Well, if you made more money, I wouldn’t have to.” That right there is defensiveness, the third of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. In the context of gay relationships, where external judgments and stressors are often a backdrop, defensiveness can take on complex shades, sometimes acting as a shield against vulnerability.

Understanding Defensiveness in a Gay Context

Defensiveness is essentially a way of shifting blame and avoiding responsibility. It’s a knee-jerk reaction – a counterattack to a perceived accusation. In gay relationships, this can be particularly nuanced. The defensive partner might be grappling with external pressures or internalized issues, making them more prone to feeling attacked even when no harm is meant.

The Ripple Effect of Defensiveness

When one partner becomes defensive, it often prompts a similar response from the other, leading to a cycle of blame and counter-blame. This cycle can be especially damaging in gay relationships, where partners might already be dealing with significant stressors like discrimination or acceptance issues. Instead of addressing the real issues at hand, partners get caught up in proving who’s right and who’s wrong.

Let's explore several concrete examples using Tom and Jake, to illustrate how one can stop being defensive in a relationship:

• Active Listening and Acknowledgment:

• Scenario: Jake complains that Tom is always on his phone during dinner.

• Defensive Response: "Well, you're always watching TV. Why can't I use my phone?"

• Non-Defensive Approach: Tom listens without interrupting. After Jake finishes, Tom acknowledges Jake’s feelings, saying, "I see how my being on the phone during dinner makes you feel ignored. Let’s have phone-free meals together."

• Taking Responsibility:

• Scenario: Tom feels hurt because Jake forgot their anniversary

• Defensive Response: Jake says, "You know I'm bad with dates. You should've reminded me."

• Non-Defensive Approach: Jake admits his mistake, "I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It’s important, and I’ll set reminders next time to ensure it doesn’t happen again."

• Empathy and Validation:

• Scenario: Tom is upset about Jake not spending enough quality time with him.

• Defensive Response: "I’m busy with work, and you know it. You're being unreasonable."

• Non-Defensive Approach: Jake empathizes, "I understand you’re feeling neglected because of my work schedule. Your feelings are valid, and I want to find a way to balance my work and our time together."

• Offering Solutions and Compromise:

• Scenario: Jake is frustrated with Tom’s messiness at home.

• Defensive Response: "Well, you’re not exactly Mr. Clean yourself."

• Non-Defensive Approach: Tom offers a solution, “I know I can be messy, and I understand it bothers you. How about we create a cleaning schedule or allocate chores?”

• Asking for Clarification:

• Scenario: Tom feels that Jake criticizes his cooking.

• Defensive Response: "Fine, cook your own meals if you don't like mine."

• Non-Defensive Approach: Tom seeks to understand, “When you mentioned the food was salty, were you suggesting I change the recipe, or was it just for this time?”

• Expressing Needs and Feelings:

• Scenario: Jake feels lonely because Tom spends a lot of time at the gym.

• Defensive Response: "You knew I was into fitness when we met. Deal with it."

• Non-Defensive Approach: Tom expresses his feelings, “I love working out, but I also value our time together. Let’s figure out a schedule that works for both of us.”

• Using Humor Appropriately:

• Scenario: Jake jokes about Tom's fashion sense in a way that Tom finds hurtful.

• Defensive Response: "Not all of us obsess over clothes like you do."

• Non-Defensive Approach: Tom uses light humor, “I may not be a fashionista, but I sure rock these old jeans, right? Let's go shopping together next time.”

• Regular Check-ins and Open Communication:

• Routine Practice: Have weekly check-ins where Tom and Jake openly discuss their feelings and concerns in a non-confrontational way.

By incorporating these non-defensive strategies, Tom and Jake can build a healthier, more empathetic, and understanding relationship. Each example demonstrates a shift from a defensive stance to one of openness, accountability, and a willingness to understand and adapt – key ingredients for a lasting and loving partnership.

Breaking Down the Walls of Defensiveness

The key to overcoming defensiveness is first to recognize it. It’s about being mindful of your reactions and asking yourself, “Am I being defensive?” It requires a certain level of self-awareness and a willingness to look at things from your partner’s perspective.

Effective Communication Strategies

Open, honest communication is vital. This means really listening to your partner’s concerns without immediately crafting a counterargument in your head. For gay couples, this could involve discussing feelings of insecurity or external pressures they might be facing. It’s about creating a safe space where both partners feel heard and understood.

The Role of Vulnerability

Defensiveness often masks vulnerability. In a gay relationship, being vulnerable with each other can be both challenging and incredibly rewarding. It means opening up about fears, insecurities, and needs. It’s about saying, “I feel hurt when you do this,” instead of “You’re always blaming me for everything.”

Practicing Accountability

Another important aspect is learning to take responsibility. This doesn’t mean you have to take the blame for everything; rather, it’s about acknowledging your part in a disagreement. It can be as simple as saying, “I see your point,” or “I could have handled that better.”

Seeking Support

Sometimes, external help can be beneficial, especially in relationships where defensiveness has become a deeply ingrained pattern. Therapy, particularly with a professional experienced in LGBTQ+ issues, can offer valuable insights and strategies to combat defensiveness.

Creating a Defensiveness-Free Zone

Building a relationship free from defensiveness requires patience, effort, and a lot of understanding. It’s about fostering an environment where both partners feel safe and respected. In a gay relationship, this means being each other’s ally, understanding each other’s unique challenges, and working together to create a strong, loving partnership.

While defensiveness is a natural reaction, it doesn’t have to dictate the course of a relationship. By recognizing and addressing it, gay couples can deepen their connection, enhance their communication, and build a relationship that’s resilient in the face of challenges both within and outside their control.