Stonewalling: The Silent Barrier in Gay Relationships

Note: This is #4 in our 4-part series of dealing with the Four Horsemen of The Relationship Apocalypse.

Horseman #1: Criticism. How To Complain Without Blame

Horseman #2: Contempt. How To Avoid The Most Dangerous of The Horsemen

Horseman #3: Defensiveness. How To Stop Shifting Blame and Avoid Responsibility.

This series is part of our Gay Relationship Advice Guide.

How does stonewalling work? Picture this: Alex and Chris, a loving gay couple, find themselves in the midst of an argument. Chris is upset because Alex has been working late almost every night, leaving little time for their relationship. Frustrated, Chris tries to talk it out, but Alex remains silent, staring at the TV as if it's the most captivating thing in the world.

That, my friends, is stonewalling—a behavior that can put a serious dent in any relationship, and it's not unique to straight couples. Stonewalling is like slamming a door shut on communication and connection. In gay relationships, where understanding and support are vital, it can be particularly detrimental.

So, what exactly is stonewalling, and how can gay couples like Alex and Chris break through this silent barrier?

Recognizing the Signs

Stonewalling isn't just about giving your partner the cold shoulder. It can show up as the silent treatment, emotional withdrawal, or physically walking away from a conversation. Imagine Alex suddenly getting up and leaving the room while Chris is pouring his heart out—it's a classic stonewalling move.

The Impact of Stonewalling

Now, here's the kicker: Stonewalling can wreak havoc on relationships. It's like trying to communicate through a thick brick wall—frustrating and futile. In gay relationships, where external challenges like discrimination and family dynamics can add extra weight, stonewalling can make matters worse.

Breaking Down the Wall

Recognizing the Signs of Stonewalling:

Scenario: In the midst of a disagreement, Chris abruptly leaves the room, leaving Alex feeling unheard and frustrated.

Stonewalling Response: Chris's sudden departure is a classic example of stonewalling, shutting down communication.

Healthy Approach: Instead of walking away, Chris could express his need for a break, saying, "I need some time to collect my thoughts. Can we revisit this conversation in a little while?"

Responding to Stonewalling with Empathy:

Scenario: Alex tries to discuss their concerns with Chris, but Chris remains silent, ignoring Alex's attempts at communication.

Stonewalling Response: Chris's silence shows a lack of engagement and empathy towards Alex's feelings.

Healthy Approach: Chris should make an effort to acknowledge Alex's attempts at communication, saying, "I hear that you want to talk, and I'm willing to listen when I'm ready."

Using Empathetic Responses to Counteract Stonewalling:

Scenario: Alex is pouring his heart out to Chris, but Chris responds with a blank stare and silence.

Stonewalling Response: Chris's lack of response is a clear form of stonewalling, shutting down emotional connection.

Healthy Approach: Chris can show empathy and understanding by saying, "I can see that this is important to you, and I want to understand better. Give me some time."

Practicing Respectful Communication:

Scenario: In the midst of an argument, Alex resorts to stonewalling by ignoring Chris's attempts to communicate.

Stonewalling Response: Alex's silence and disregard for Chris's communication attempts hinder resolution.

Healthy Approach: Instead of stonewalling, Alex should engage in respectful communication, saying, "I need a moment to cool off, but I promise we'll talk about this."

Creating a Communication-Friendly Environment:

Scenario: Both Alex and Chris have fallen into a pattern of stonewalling during conflicts.

Stonewalling Response: Stonewalling has become the default way of handling disagreements, creating a communication barrier.

Healthy Approach: Both partners should actively work on creating an environment where open communication is encouraged and safe.

Encouraging Vulnerability

Imagine Chris saying to Alex, "I'm feeling neglected because of your late nights at work." Vulnerability is key. Stonewalling often stems from the fear of judgment or misunderstanding. Sharing fears and insecurities can create a safe space for communication.

Using "I" Statements

Instead of clamping down in silence, Alex could express himself with "I" statements. "I feel overwhelmed with work, and I need some time to process my thoughts," is a more constructive approach than stonewalling.

Active Listening

Imagine Alex sitting down with Chris, fully engaged in what he's saying, without immediately formulating a response. Active listening is a powerful tool. In a gay relationship, where discussions about experiences of discrimination are common, it's crucial to listen without judgment.

Taking Breaks, Not Ending Conversations

Taking a break doesn't mean slamming the door shut. Alex and Chris can agree to cool off and revisit the conversation later. It's like hitting the pause button rather than shutting down the entire discussion.

Seeking Professional Help

If stonewalling becomes a recurring theme, seeking the guidance of a therapist experienced in LGBTQ+ relationships can be a game-changer. They can provide practical tools and strategies to overcome this silent barrier.

Creating a Communication-Friendly Environment

Stonewalling is like a dark cloud hanging over a relationship. But with awareness and effort, gay couples, just like Alex and Chris, can break through that silent barrier. It's all about creating a space where both partners can speak their truth, listen, and find their way back to understanding and connection.