Contempt: The Fast-Track To Gay Divorce

Note: This is #2 in our 4-part series of dealing with the Four Horsemen of The Relationship Apocalypse.

Horseman #1: Criticism. How To Complain Without Blame

Horseman #3: Defensiveness. How To Stop Shifting Blame and Avoid Responsibility.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling. How To Break Self-Imposed Silences.

This series is part of our Gay Relationship Advice Guide.

What is contempt? Picture this: It’s a typical Sunday morning and Jason sarcastically says to Alex, “Oh, of course, you’re playing video games again, Mr. Responsible.” This isn’t just a jab at Alex’s leisure choices; it’s a display of contempt, the second of John Gottman’s infamous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. In gay relationships, where external stresses can sometimes amplify internal dynamics, contempt can be particularly venomous.

Understanding Contempt in the Rainbow Spectrum

Contempt is like sarcasm’s mean cousin. It’s more than just an eye roll or a sarcastic remark; it’s an expression of superiority. It’s toxic, and in the context of gay relationships, it can tap into deeper insecurities or societal pressures, making it even more harmful. When one partner consistently treats the other with disdain, it chips away at the foundation of respect and love that the relationship is built on.

The Many Faces of Contempt

Contempt can manifest in various forms – from mocking laughter to cynical comments or even mimicry. In the world of gay couples, it might include jabs at one’s masculinity, femininity, or even one’s way of expressing their identity. It’s important to recognize these behaviors not just as bad habits, but as serious threats to the health of the relationship.

Why Contempt is Particularly Dangerous

Gottman’s research identified contempt as the single greatest predictor of divorce – and it’s easy to see why. It’s a direct attack on your partner’s sense of self. In gay relationships, where partners may already face challenges to their self-esteem from societal prejudices, contempt can be doubly wounding. It’s not just about being mean; it’s about undermining your partner’s worth and dignity.

Overcoming the Most Destructive of Gottman's Four Horsemen in Gay Relationships

• Recognizing the Signs of Contempt:

• Scenario: In a disagreement, Tom sarcastically says to Jake, "Oh, you're always right, of course, Mr. Perfect."

• Contemptuous Response: This is a classic example of contempt, where sarcasm is used to express superiority and disrespect.

• Healthy Approach: Instead of sarcasm, Tom could express his frustration more constructively, "I feel undervalued when my opinions are not considered. Can we discuss this issue openly?"

• Responding to Contempt with Empathy:

• Scenario: Jake makes a dismissive remark about Tom's career choices during an argument.

• Contemptuous Response: Jake's dismissive comment shows a lack of respect for Tom's decisions and aspirations.

• Healthy Approach: Jake should strive to understand and respect Tom's career choices, saying, "I may have different views about your career, but I respect your choices and support your goals."

• Using Affirmations to Counteract Contempt:

• Scenario: Tom mocks Jake's enthusiasm for certain hobbies.

• Contemptuous Response: Mockery, a form of contempt, undermines the partner's interests and passions.

• Healthy Approach: Tom can show appreciation for Jake's interests, "I love seeing how passionate you are about your hobbies. It’s one of the things I admire about you."

• Practicing Respectful Communication:

• Scenario: During a heated moment, Jake rolls his eyes at something Tom says.

• Contemptuous Response: Eye-rolling is a non-verbal sign of contempt, showing disrespect for what the partner is saying.

• Healthy Approach: Jake should maintain a respectful demeanor, even when disagreeing, and express his disagreement verbally, "I have a different perspective on this. Can we discuss it?"

• Cultivating a Culture of Mutual Appreciation:

• Routine Practice: Tom and Jake should regularly express appreciation for each other's qualities and actions, reinforcing a positive and respectful relationship environment.

• Seeking External Support When Needed:

• Routine Practice: If patterns of contempt are difficult to break, seeking the guidance of a therapist, especially one familiar with the dynamics of gay relationships, can provide tools and strategies for healthier communication.

By understanding and actively working to counteract contempt, Tom and Jake can foster a more respectful, empathic, and loving relationship, transforming potential moments of disdain into opportunities for deeper connection and understanding.

The Roots of Contempt

Often, contempt doesn’t appear in a vacuum. It’s rooted in deeper unresolved issues – maybe it’s lingering resentment, unmet needs, or feelings of neglect. In gay relationships, this can be compounded by external stressors such as discrimination or lack of support from family or community.

Counteracting Contempt with Appreciation

The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation in the relationship. This means actively looking for things you admire and cherish in your partner and expressing them. In a gay relationship, this might involve affirming your partner’s identity, celebrating their uniqueness, or acknowledging the struggles they overcome. It’s about shifting the focus from negative to positive, from criticism to appreciation.

Communication is Key

Effective communication is crucial in dismantling contempt. This means not only speaking your truth but listening to your partner’s perspective with empathy and understanding. When issues arise, tackle them head-on with honesty and respect, instead of letting them fester and eventually explode in contemptuous outbursts.

The Role of Self-Reflection

It’s also important for each partner to engage in self-reflection. Contempt often comes from a place of personal frustration or unhappiness. Ask yourself: Are there unresolved issues I’m projecting onto my partner? Am I feeling valued in this relationship? This introspection can be illuminating and can guide you towards positive change.

Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, the help of a therapist or a counselor can be invaluable in addressing patterns of contempt. This is particularly true for gay couples, who might benefit from a professional who understands the unique challenges and dynamics of their relationship.

Building a Contempt-Free Relationship

Creating a contempt-free relationship requires consistent effort from both partners. It involves nurturing respect, practicing empathy, and celebrating each other’s individuality. Remember, in a healthy relationship, both partners should feel valued and respected for who they are.

While contempt is a formidable adversary, it’s not invincible. With mutual effort, understanding, and a commitment to change, gay couples can conquer contempt, turning their relationship into a sanctuary of respect, love, and mutual admiration. In doing so, they not only strengthen their bond but also set a powerful example of what love can overcome in the face of adversity.