"He's A Top But He Wants ME To Be More Aggressive"

Dear 100footer:

I've been happily in a relationship for about a year now. Things have been great between us and I think we're going to take our relationship for the long haul.

My only concern is that he is much more sexually experienced than I am and he likes aggressive sex. I waited a long time and had only been out of the closet for 6 months before I met him, and in that time period, I only had 2 partners.

Most of the time I bottom but I don't see myself as submissive. I'm usually the one that initiates sex and I usually end up doing most of the work. He really wants me to be more aggressive when we have sex. Not necessarily bondage and whips, but more along the lines of being more physical and dominant. At first I blamed it on my inexperience!

But I never feel like I know what I should be doing. I have no problem with the idea of being more aggressive and I think I would enjoy it as well if I could pull it off. When I do try to be more aggressive, it seems to be unnatural and I usually end up embarrassed, even if I don't get a negative response from my boyfriend.

We've tried a few things like light bondage but when I had him tied up I couldn't really think of anything to do so I pretty much did the same things I normally do and I know he was expecting a lot more. I'm fine with holding his hands over his head while I'm kissing him or pushing him onto the bed and pulling his pants off of him but things like that seem sort of run of the mill.

I guess what I'm looking for are a few tips on what to do to drive him wild.

--Wondering

Hey, Wondering:

I'm glad to hear you're in a loving and committed relationship, and it's also great that you're eager to meet your partner's sexual needs. But remember, sexual compatibility and satisfaction require communication, understanding, and mutual consent.

From what you've shared, your boyfriend seems to be open about what he wants, which is fantastic. Now, the key here is you finding your own way of being aggressive that feels natural and comfortable to you.

Aggression, dominance, or any other role in sex shouldn't be a performance but an extension of your own desires and comfort. It's important to find your own style instead of feeling like you're imitating someone else's idea of what dominance looks like.

Start by reflecting on what aspects of being more dominant appeal to you. Do you like the idea of having control, or do you enjoy seeing your partner in a vulnerable state? Once you pinpoint what you like about the idea of being more dominant, you can integrate these aspects into your sexual behavior in a way that feels more authentic and less like you're putting on an act.

Having said that, here are a few practical suggestions:

Dirty Talk: It can be a huge turn on and a way to exert dominance. Phrases like "Do you like that?" or "You're mine" can heighten the mood and get him going.

Control the Pace: As the one initiating sex and doing most of the work, you're already exerting some level of dominance. Take it a step further by controlling the pace and rhythm. Tease him, draw things out, make him wait for it.

Explore His Fantasies: Get him to share his specific fantasies about being dominated. What does he expect? What does he find hot? Use his fantasies as inspiration.

Try New Things: Don’t limit your repertoire to light bondage. Try using blindfolds, different positions, or introduce toys into the mix. Remember, only do things that you are both comfortable with.

Remember, practice makes perfect. Try not to feel too self-conscious about it; everyone feels awkward when they first start trying out new things in bed. Your boyfriend should understand this and be supportive as you explore this new aspect of your sex life.

Keep up the communication, and try to find a middle ground that suits both of you. The goal is to have a fulfilling sex life where you both get what you want and need from it. You've got this!