Mastering Gay Confidence To Meet Partners & Boyfriends

"How To Find Gay Guys In My Area?"

Grow The Confidence To Talk To Them!

In our last post, How To Find A Boyfriend If You're Gay we learned that confidence doesn't come from visualization or motivation, but from taking action and developing competence. It's about a three-step approach:

1. Develop irresistible social skills: learn to talk to anyone, not just attractive guys.

2. Set reasonable goals: instead of focusing on specific outcomes (e.g., dating a specific guy), focus on the process (e.g., becoming more talkative).

3. Detach from the outcome: don't let the desired outcome (e.g., getting a date) control your actions and emotions.

Now, how do we develop these irresistible skills?

What you’re about to learn takes time and practice. If you commit to the process, you will turn the “do” of a given exercise into an “are” of a giving persona. Once you get used to paying strangers a compliment, for instance, you “become” the type of person who pays compliments to strangers.

Each exercise in this plan builds on the other. Don’t stop doing Assignment #1 when I introduce Assignment #2. As soon as you stop doing one you compromise the next. It won’t take you long to absorb the concept of each exercise and apply it without thinking, but you have to do and do.

Until you are.

Getting Comfortable Talking To Strangers

The only way to get comfortable talking with good-looking strangers is to get comfortable talking to ALL strangers. Getting experience in low stake situations prepares you for the high stakes prize. Ultimately, there is no stylistic difference between talking to somebody you’re interested in and talking to somebody you’re not.

Except the rewards.

Say Hello to Strangers

Everyone, everywhere, all of the time. Whether they look at you or not. Whether you think they’ll say hello back or not. Oh, and you have to be the first one to say it.

You walk into an elevator. Hello. Someone passes you in the hall. How are you. You’re standing in line at a movie. Hey. You’re at the gas station. Hi. In line at the coffee shop. What’s up. Talk to a new person EVERY DAY. Your target is everyone: The waiter, the Starbucks guy. Hello, hello, hello!

Goal #1: Get so used to saying hello to strangers that it becomes second nature.

Goal #2: Detach from the outcome. It doesn’t matter whether they say hello or smile back. The assignment isn’t to provoke a positive reaction, it’s to play. Success isn’t in their reaction; it’s in your attempt. Did they frown or stay silent because they didn’t like you or because they’ve got indigestion? Who cares! We’re looking for action, not reaction.

Duration: Keep doing this throughout the 21-day program.

This is your first step to the top of Mt. Shagability.

Let’s take the second one...

Go out of your way to say hello to acquaintances

Make the physical effort to say hello when you’d normally wait for a more convenient time. I’m talking about that acquaintance on the other side of the coffee shop. You’d say hello if there weren’t so many people in the place. Or that friend in the gym--you’ll say hello when you get a chance. STOP. Move your body. Get up and say hello. Get used to acting immediately. Without thinking. This skill will pay handsome dividends. You’ll understand why later.

Goal #1: Get used to acting spontaneously.

Goal #2: Make people feel special. Remember the last friend who went out of his way to say hello? How’d it feel? Like you were valuable and worth coming over for. Give other people that feeling.

Make small talk with acquaintances you typically only say hello to.

You know that person you’ve been saying hello to, for like, years, and you’ve never had a proper conversation? Start one. Every time. Don’t know how? Start by saying, “Hey, I was just thinking about you the other day. I noticed that _________ and I was wondering _________.”

Example: “I noticed that you hang out at this coffee shop a lot and I was wondering if you’re working on a book or something.”

Goal #1: Be more talkative

Goal #2: Learn to assert yourself in a friendly way.

Pay Strangers a Compliment

Avoid general compliments (“You’re beautiful”) or sexual innuendoes (“You’re hot”). You’re not trying to flatter or hit on them. Be specific and pick out details. His shoes, her posture, his energy, that ring. Leave after the compliment.

Note: Do NOT pay compliments to guys you’re interested in. That comes later.

Goal #1: Show sincere appreciation for something you’ve spontaneously noticed.

Goal #2: Improve your observational skills.

Goal #3: Pay attention to someone other than you.

From Conscious Incompetence to Unconscious Competence.

At this point, you no longer fear saying hello even though you know some people will not say it back. You’ve trained and acclimated yourself to taking the initiative. Talking to acquaintances and complimenting strangers is getting easier, maybe even second nature. Your comfort zone has expanded. Your competence has created a certain amount of confidence.

Let’s talk about this competence thing a bit more before we ramp up. There are four stages to learning:

“Unconscious Incompetence” You’re doing it wrong but you’re not aware of it.

“Conscious Incompetence” You’re doing it wrong but now you’re aware of it (though you don’t know

how to correct it).

“Conscious Competence” You’re doing right but you have to pay careful attention.

“Unconscious Competence” You’re doing it well without having to think about it. Like the piano player

who doesn’t have to consciously think about which key he’s going to play next.

Now, how do you get from Unconscious Incompetence to Unconscious Competence?

Practice.

Working Out The Talk Muscles With Progressive Resistance Exercises

What you’re doing is a social skills workout. It’s weight training for your conversational muscle groups. The essence of progressive resistance exercises is to perform a set number of repetitions and over time, increase the resistance as the ability to generate force increases.

In other words, we’re training the talk muscles to get in good enough shape to lift Shagability. The low weight reps are essential, so keep doing them.

Summary:

Your goal is “unconscious competence” in social skills. You want to get to the point that you say hello, go out of your way to greet acquaintances, and pay compliments to strangers without thinking about it.
Consider bars, parties, and other social spaces as the gym to your social skills workout. You’re on a progressive resistance program where low weight/high reps will help you lift the heavy prize.
Do these exercises every day:
Say hello to strangers.
Go out of your way to say hello to acquaintances and friends even though it may be inconvenient.
Strike up small conversations with acquaintances you normally just say hello to.
Pay strangers a compliment

Remember, you get to Unconscious Competence by PRACTICING.

Let’s move on. That mountain isn’t going to climb itself. Stay tuned next week for our post: How To Approach A Hottie Who Isn’t Looking Back At You. Or if you want to get a head start grab your copy of Meet Hotter Gay Guys. The 21 Day Plan To Overcome Your Fear of Rejection, Master the Art of Icebreakers and Snag Guys You Never Thought You Could Get.

Because hey, that's where we are stealing all our ideas :-)