To Share or Not to Share a Father's Hidden Truth

Dear 100footer:

My father, who passed away two years ago, served in the military for six years in the 1950s. He was buried with full military honors, but we recently discovered that he was discharged under less than honorable conditions due to "homosexual tendencies."

I have decided not to tell my elderly mother, who is in poor health, about this revelation. However, I am unsure if I should share this information with my siblings after my mother passes away. If I were in their shoes, I would want to know. What should I do? — Struggling

Dear Struggling:

In 2021, the Department of Veterans Affairs clarified that those discharged from the military due to their sexual orientation are considered veterans and may be eligible for related benefits. As your father's legal representative, you could apply for a "discharge upgrade." However, the nature of your father's discharge does not necessarily reveal much about his personal life. It is possible that the allegations were baseless, or perhaps he was bisexual, considering his long marriage to your mother and the children he fathered.

Let's take a look at your question from 3 different ethical theories. But before we do, make sure to read our Coming Out As Gay guide because it'll give you a lot of useful information. You can also read inspiring coming out stories here.

Consequentialism

Consequentialism focuses on the outcomes or consequences of an action to determine its morality. From a consequentialist perspective, you should consider the potential positive and negative outcomes of sharing the information with your siblings.

Positive outcomes may include increased understanding of your father's life, empathy, and a sense of closure. Negative outcomes could involve pain, confusion, or discord within the family. If sharing the information is likely to bring about more positive outcomes than negative ones, a consequentialist would argue that it is the morally right choice to share the information.

However, if sharing the information leads to more harm than good, the consequentialist approach would suggest that it's better not to share the information.

Deontology

Deontology is an ethical theory that focuses on the inherent moral principles of an action, rather than its consequences. From a deontological perspective, you should consider the duties and obligations you have towards your siblings. One such duty might be the obligation to be honest and transparent with them.

According to deontological ethics, you have a moral duty to share the truth with your siblings, regardless of the potential consequences. Not sharing the information could be seen as a violation of your duty to be honest and transparent with your family members. Therefore, from a deontological standpoint, you should share the information with your siblings.

Virtue Ethics

Virtue ethics focuses on the character of the moral agent and the virtues they embody, rather than the consequences or duties related to their actions. From a virtue ethics perspective, you should consider what virtues would guide you in making the right decision. Some relevant virtues may include compassion, honesty, wisdom, and empathy.

A virtuous person would strive to balance these virtues when making a decision. In this case, you would need to balance your desire to be honest with your siblings, while also being compassionate and empathetic to their feelings and needs.

In applying virtue ethics, you might consider sharing the information with your siblings but doing so in a sensitive and compassionate manner. You could emphasize that the information is uncertain and does not define your father's entire character. This approach acknowledges the importance of honesty while also demonstrating empathy and compassion.

Each ethical theory offers a different perspective on whether to share the information with your siblings. Consequentialism would have you weigh the potential outcomes, deontology would emphasize your duty to be honest, and virtue ethics would call for a balance of honesty, compassion, and empathy. Ultimately, the decision is yours, but considering these ethical theories can help you make a more informed and thoughtful choice.