"My Soulmate's Stuck in Traffic"

50 Hilarious Excuses for Your Singledom

Sick and tired of nosey friends and overly concerned acquaintances asking why you're still tragically single? Want to give them a snarky response that puts their invasive questions to rest once and for all?

Well, hold onto your cats and empty pint of ice cream, because we're about to provide 50 gloriously sarcastic reasons for why you're still flying solo into your thirties and beyond. 

From holding out for unavailable celebrity crushes to having standards higher than Mount Everest, this collection of cringe-worthy excuses will have all your friends nodding in agreement that your single status is 1000% self-inflicted. Consider it a public service to help explain your perpetual singledom without having to acknowledge those pesky inner issues and emotional hang-ups of yours. 

So next time you're subjected to the dreaded "Why are you still single?" interrogation, simply refer to this handy list and watch their smug smiles morph into looks of pity. After all, it's so much easier to blame soulmates stuck in traffic and your destiny as a trophy wife than to do any real self-reflection, right? Let the singleness celebration begin!

• "My soulmate's stuck in traffic."
• "I'm rationing my remaining eggs until Ryan Reynolds is ready." 
• "I'm too busy reading self-help books to actually help myself."
• "I'm waiting for Zac Efron's abs to slide into my DMs."
• "I'm saving myself for Post Malone's face tattoos."
• "I'm too busy planning my life as a future trophy wife."
• "I'm in a committed relationship with my Wi-Fi. We're very happy."
• "My Netflix subscription doesn't allow third wheels."
• "My cats voted unanimously for me to stay single."
• "Did you know pizza never argues with you?"
• "My invisible boyfriend says I can't see other people."
• "I'm waiting for Elon Musk to invent time travel so I can date a young Harrison Ford."
• "Tried dating once. Didn't like the food."
• "I’ve yet to find someone who appreciates my snoring."
• "I'm in a committed relationship with freedom."
• "I'm the 'single friend'. If I start dating, the group dynamic will be ruined."
• "I'm not single, I'm just in a long-term relationship with adventure."
• "Beyoncé taught me how to be an independent woman. I can’t let her down."
• I'm married to the game, baby! 
• I'd rather keep mocking losers than hook up with one! 
• I'm married to the spotlight. Ain't no room to share my shine!
• I'm waiting for a man with standards low enough to date me, but high enough to foot the bills
• I'm too busy werking the runway to be tied down right now, okurrr?